1
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,826
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

2
00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:32,051
(SONG PLAYING IN HINDI)

3
00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:47,100
(WIND WHOOSHING)

4
00:03:02,217 --> 00:03:04,884
Kinda lonesome back here.

5
00:03:04,886 --> 00:03:07,654
(MUMBLING)
(GRUNTS) Yeah, little help.

6
00:03:07,656 --> 00:03:12,592
Okay, um, just, I have to keep
my hands on the wheel.

7
00:03:12,594 --> 00:03:13,793
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

8
00:03:13,795 --> 00:03:16,029
Excuse me. Whoo!

9
00:03:16,031 --> 00:03:17,864
(CHUCKLES) Ah, Dopinder.

10
00:03:17,866 --> 00:03:19,933
Pool. Dead.

11
00:03:21,203 --> 00:03:22,669
Hmm, nice.

12
00:03:23,705 --> 00:03:24,838
DOPINDER:
Smells good, no?

13
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,873
Not the Daffodil Daydream.
The girl.

14
00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:28,875
Ah, yes. Gita.

15
00:03:28,877 --> 00:03:30,810
Hmm.
She is quite lovely.

16
00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:33,146
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.

17
00:03:33,148 --> 00:03:35,215
But, um...

18
00:03:35,217 --> 00:03:38,985
Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.

19
00:03:38,987 --> 00:03:42,722
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.

20
00:03:43,925 --> 00:03:45,892
Dopinder, I'm starting to think

21
00:03:45,894 --> 00:03:47,827
there's a reason
I'm in this cab today.

22
00:03:47,829 --> 00:03:49,562
Yeah, sir, you called for it,
remember?

23
00:03:49,564 --> 00:03:54,567
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.

24
00:03:54,569 --> 00:03:55,969
When you find it,
the whole world

25
00:03:55,971 --> 00:03:57,237
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.

26
00:03:57,239 --> 00:03:58,571
(DOPINDER GRUNTS)

27
00:03:58,573 --> 00:04:00,673
So you gotta hold onto love...

28
00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:01,975
...tight!
Ah.

29
00:04:01,977 --> 00:04:03,510
And never let go.

30
00:04:03,512 --> 00:04:04,978
Don't make
the same mistakes I did.

31
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:07,748
Got it?
Yeah.

32
00:04:07,749 --> 00:04:10,517
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.

33
00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:12,852
(STUTTERS) Sir, what does
Miss Mama June taste like?

34
00:04:12,854 --> 00:04:15,855
Like two hobos fucking in a shoe
filled with piss. Okay, enough.

35
00:04:15,857 --> 00:04:18,791
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!

36
00:04:18,793 --> 00:04:20,894
Hmm, it's bad.

37
00:04:20,896 --> 00:04:23,730
Uh, why the fancy
red suit, Mr. Pool?

38
00:04:23,732 --> 00:04:25,832
Oh, that's because
it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.

39
00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:28,268
And I'm after someone
on my naughty list.

40
00:04:28,270 --> 00:04:29,969
I've been waiting one year,
three weeks...

41
00:04:29,971 --> 00:04:31,938
six days and, oh...

42
00:04:31,940 --> 00:04:34,274
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.

43
00:04:35,911 --> 00:04:38,211
And what did he do
to you, Mr. Pool?

44
00:04:38,213 --> 00:04:39,746
This shit...

45
00:04:40,882 --> 00:04:41,948
Boo!

46
00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:45,084
(CHOPPER BLADES WHIRRING)

47
00:05:00,569 --> 00:05:01,868
(SIGHS)

48
00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:03,970
They won't disappoint.

49
00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:06,306
They'd better not.

50
00:05:06,308 --> 00:05:08,875
And what about
next month's shipment?

51
00:05:08,877 --> 00:05:10,610
There won't be one.

52
00:05:10,612 --> 00:05:12,252
You're not the only one
with a war to win.

53
00:05:13,315 --> 00:05:14,881
That won't do.

54
00:05:17,786 --> 00:05:20,286
See, we've had
this small disruption

55
00:05:20,288 --> 00:05:21,754
to our supply chain...

56
00:05:22,157 --> 00:05:23,256
(CHOKING)

57
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,794
We'd appreciate your patience.

58
00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:31,764
(GRUNTS) Okay.

59
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:34,233
We'll deliver in full
the following month.

60
00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:36,235
(GASPING)

61
00:05:37,739 --> 00:05:39,019
Pleasure doing
business with you.

62
00:05:42,744 --> 00:05:44,611
Fucking mutant.

63
00:05:45,614 --> 00:05:47,614
(ENGINES ROARING)

64
00:05:54,356 --> 00:05:56,022
Oh, shit!

65
00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:57,824
I forgot my ammo bag.

66
00:05:57,826 --> 00:05:58,992
Shall we turn back?

67
00:05:58,994 --> 00:06:00,360
No, no time.

68
00:06:00,362 --> 00:06:02,061
Fuck it. I got this.

69
00:06:02,063 --> 00:06:05,365
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets,
or bust.

70
00:06:05,367 --> 00:06:06,699
Right here!
(GRUNTS)

71
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,368
(TIRES SCREECHING)

72
00:06:08,370 --> 00:06:11,070
That's, uh, $27.50.

73
00:06:11,072 --> 00:06:12,872
I... I never carry a wallet
when I'm working.

74
00:06:12,874 --> 00:06:14,741
Ruins the lines
of my suit.

75
00:06:14,743 --> 00:06:15,875
Oh.
But, uh,

76
00:06:15,877 --> 00:06:17,210
how about
a crisp high five?

77
00:06:17,212 --> 00:06:18,344
Okay.

78
00:06:18,346 --> 00:06:21,014
Merry Christmas.

79
00:06:21,016 --> 00:06:24,150
And a convivial Tuesday
in April to you too, Pool!

80
00:06:24,152 --> 00:06:27,720
<i>♪ Hey, yeah
I wanna shoop, baby</i>

81
00:06:27,722 --> 00:06:30,690
(WADE SINGING)
<i>♪ Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop</i>

82
00:06:30,692 --> 00:06:32,659
<i>♪ Shoop ba-doop,
ba-doop, ba-doop</i>

83
00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,694
<i>♪ You're packed and you're
stacked 'specially in the back</i>

84
00:06:34,696 --> 00:06:37,330
<i>♪ Brother, wanna thank your
mother for a butt like that</i>

85
00:06:37,332 --> 00:06:39,899
<i>♪ Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake boobie?</i>

86
00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:42,101
<i>♪ If looks could kill
you would be an uzi</i>

87
00:06:42,103 --> 00:06:43,736
<i>♪ You're a shotgun, bang! ♪</i>

88
00:06:43,738 --> 00:06:45,338
Wha... Oh!

89
00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:48,775
Oh, hello. I know, right?

90
00:06:48,777 --> 00:06:50,743
Whose balls
did I have to fondle

91
00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:52,378
to get my very own movie?

92
00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:53,780
I can't tell you,

93
00:06:53,782 --> 00:06:56,249
but it does rhyme
with "Polverine."

94
00:06:56,251 --> 00:06:59,102
And let me tell you,

95
00:06:59,103 --> 00:07:01,954
he's got a nice pair of
smooth criminals down under.

96
00:07:01,956 --> 00:07:06,125
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and, oh...

97
00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:08,928
Bad guys to kill.

98
00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,697
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

99
00:07:14,202 --> 00:07:15,268
Maximum effort.

100
00:07:19,274 --> 00:07:20,373
(GROANS)

101
00:07:22,744 --> 00:07:23,943
(GRUNTING)

102
00:07:25,313 --> 00:07:26,379
WADE: Cock shot.

103
00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:30,083
(SCREAMING)

104
00:07:31,319 --> 00:07:32,418
(MOCKINGLY) Ha!

105
00:07:33,088 --> 00:07:34,120
(GRUNTS)

106
00:07:34,122 --> 00:07:36,255
Rich Corinthian leather.

107
00:07:38,159 --> 00:07:40,460
WADE: I'm looking for Francis!

108
00:07:40,462 --> 00:07:42,261
Have you seen this man?
(GROANS)

109
00:07:42,263 --> 00:07:44,330
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
(RADIO STATIONS CHANGING)

110
00:07:50,472 --> 00:07:52,171
WADE: Ow. Ow!

111
00:07:52,173 --> 00:07:53,272
Yanky, yanky!

112
00:07:53,274 --> 00:07:54,907
(GUN FIRES)
(SCREAMS)

113
00:07:55,777 --> 00:07:57,043
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)

114
00:08:03,084 --> 00:08:04,784
(WADE GASPS)
(GROANS)

115
00:08:06,054 --> 00:08:07,320
(SCREAMS)

116
00:08:07,322 --> 00:08:08,888
(MAN GROANING)
(CAR ACCELERATING)

117
00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:12,024
(GRUNTING)

118
00:08:15,163 --> 00:08:16,796
(TIRES SCREECHING)

119
00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:20,433
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

120
00:08:22,303 --> 00:08:23,369
(SCREAMING)

121
00:08:24,773 --> 00:08:26,473
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

122
00:08:26,474 --> 00:08:28,274
WADE: I've never said this,
but don't swallow.

123
00:08:29,844 --> 00:08:30,910
(MAN GROANING)

124
00:08:31,479 --> 00:08:32,545
(GUN COCKS)

125
00:08:36,885 --> 00:08:38,117
(GRUNTS)

126
00:08:49,397 --> 00:08:51,497
Shit.

127
00:08:51,499 --> 00:08:53,566
Did I leave the stove on?

128
00:08:59,274 --> 00:09:00,339
(THUDS)

129
00:09:03,344 --> 00:09:05,812
(TIRES SCREECHING)

130
00:09:11,085 --> 00:09:12,885
REPORTER: <i>Now, breaking news.</i>

131
00:09:12,887 --> 00:09:14,954
<i>A multi-car collision
turned shots fired</i>

132
00:09:14,956 --> 00:09:16,856
<i>on the crosstown expressway
this morning.</i>

133
00:09:16,858 --> 00:09:19,091
<i>Gridlock has kept
police from the scene.</i>

134
00:09:19,093 --> 00:09:21,561
<i>Residents are advised
to remain in their homes.</i>

135
00:09:21,563 --> 00:09:23,229
<i>The assailant
appears to be armed,</i>

136
00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:24,831
<i>dangerous, and wearing...</i>

137
00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:26,265
<i>a red suit.</i>
A red suit.

138
00:09:26,935 --> 00:09:28,167
Deadpool.

139
00:09:28,169 --> 00:09:31,838
Negasonic!
Come, we have mission.

140
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,273
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Colossus, wait up.

141
00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:37,610
I've given Deadpool
every chance to join us...

142
00:09:37,612 --> 00:09:39,979
but he'd rather
act like a child.

143
00:09:39,981 --> 00:09:42,348
A heavily-armed child.

144
00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:46,252
When will he grow up and see
benefits of becoming X-Man?

145
00:09:46,254 --> 00:09:48,387
Which benefits?
The matching unitards?

146
00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:50,289
The house that blows up
every few years?

147
00:09:50,291 --> 00:09:51,390
Please.

148
00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:54,293
House blowing up
builds character.

149
00:09:54,295 --> 00:09:56,229
You ate breakfast, yes?

150
00:09:56,231 --> 00:09:59,365
Breakfast is most
important meal of day.

151
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:03,636
Here, protein bar.
Good for bones.

152
00:10:03,638 --> 00:10:06,305
Deadpool may try
to break yours.

153
00:10:06,307 --> 00:10:07,907
(JET ENGINE ROARING)

154
00:10:13,548 --> 00:10:14,647
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

155
00:10:14,649 --> 00:10:16,115
MAN: Get out of the way!

156
00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:17,477
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING
AND SCREAMING)

157
00:10:33,401 --> 00:10:35,034
WADE: Hey! Whoo!
(GUNS FIRING)

158
00:10:35,036 --> 00:10:36,335
(WOMAN SCREAMS)

159
00:10:46,114 --> 00:10:47,613
WADE: Wait!

160
00:10:47,615 --> 00:10:49,916
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"

161
00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:51,951
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.

162
00:10:52,987 --> 00:10:54,420
This guy's got the right idea.

163
00:10:54,422 --> 00:10:55,955
He wore the brown pants.

164
00:10:56,457 --> 00:10:57,657
(GUN FIRING)

165
00:10:57,659 --> 00:11:00,026
Fine!
I only have 12 bullets...

166
00:11:00,028 --> 00:11:01,594
so you're gonna
have to share!

167
00:11:01,596 --> 00:11:03,496
Let's count them down.

168
00:11:04,399 --> 00:11:05,464
(GUN FIRING)

169
00:11:10,204 --> 00:11:11,270
(GROANING)

170
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:13,506
(FIRING CONTINUES)

171
00:11:17,979 --> 00:11:19,045
(GROANS)

172
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,180
(TIRES SCREECHING)

173
00:11:22,717 --> 00:11:24,083
Shit.

174
00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:28,688
Motherfucker!

175
00:11:30,058 --> 00:11:31,190
10! Shit!

176
00:11:31,659 --> 00:11:32,725
Nine. Fuck.

177
00:11:33,194 --> 00:11:34,327
Eight.

178
00:11:34,329 --> 00:11:35,394
Shit-fuck!

179
00:11:35,396 --> 00:11:36,462
(GRUNTS)

180
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,366
Bad Deadpool.

181
00:11:41,669 --> 00:11:44,070
Seven.
Good Deadpool.

182
00:11:44,072 --> 00:11:45,171
(BULLETS RICOCHETING)

183
00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:56,749
(GUN COCKS)

184
00:11:56,751 --> 00:11:58,017
Oh!

185
00:12:03,091 --> 00:12:04,156
(GRUNTS)

186
00:12:06,260 --> 00:12:07,493
(GUN CLICKING)

187
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,934
Someone's not counting. Six.
(GROANS)

188
00:12:18,673 --> 00:12:19,739
(GUN FIRING)

189
00:12:20,775 --> 00:12:22,541
(EXPLODING)

190
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:28,414
(SPEAKING SPANISH)

191
00:12:28,416 --> 00:12:30,016
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
Oh!

192
00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:37,256
(GROANS) Four...

193
00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:38,324
(GUN FIRES)
(GROANS)

194
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,159
Gotcha.

195
00:12:40,161 --> 00:12:41,594
(GRUNTS)

196
00:12:41,596 --> 00:12:43,095
Right up main street.

197
00:12:47,068 --> 00:12:48,134
Three, two!

198
00:12:48,136 --> 00:12:50,102
Stupid! Worth it.

199
00:12:50,638 --> 00:12:52,038
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)

200
00:13:03,351 --> 00:13:04,717
(GUN FIRES)

201
00:13:05,253 --> 00:13:06,552
(ALL GROANING)

202
00:13:06,554 --> 00:13:08,320
(CLINKS)

203
00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:14,093
(SNIFFING)

204
00:13:14,095 --> 00:13:15,294
Ah!

205
00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:18,431
I'm touching myself tonight.

206
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,633
Francis!

207
00:13:20,635 --> 00:13:22,101
Francis...

208
00:13:23,805 --> 00:13:26,238
What the shit-biscuit!

209
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,074
Where you at,
Francis?

210
00:13:28,509 --> 00:13:29,775
(GROANING)

211
00:13:32,547 --> 00:13:33,612
(GROANING LOUDLY)

212
00:13:36,784 --> 00:13:38,084
You're not Francis.

213
00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:48,461
Really?
Rolling up the sleeves?

214
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:54,834
(GROANS)

215
00:13:58,706 --> 00:14:00,272
WADE: <i>You're
probably thinking,</i>

216
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,208
<i>"My boyfriend said
this was a superhero movie...</i>

217
00:14:02,210 --> 00:14:03,676
<i>"but that guy in the red suit
just turned</i>

218
00:14:03,678 --> 00:14:06,212
<i>"that other guy
into a fucking kabab!"</i>

219
00:14:06,214 --> 00:14:10,783
<i>Well, I may be super,
but I'm no hero.</i>

220
00:14:10,785 --> 00:14:13,152
<i>And yeah, technically,
this is a murder.</i>

221
00:14:13,154 --> 00:14:15,421
<i>But some of the best love
stories start with a murder.</i>

222
00:14:15,423 --> 00:14:18,491
<i>And that's exactly
what this is, a love story.</i>

223
00:14:18,493 --> 00:14:19,859
<i>And to tell it right...</i>

224
00:14:19,861 --> 00:14:22,261
<i>I gotta take you back
to long before</i>

225
00:14:22,263 --> 00:14:25,698
<i>I squeezed this ass
into red spandex.</i>

226
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,434
MERCHANT: Look, would it help
if I slow it down for you?

227
00:14:28,436 --> 00:14:30,803
I didn't order the pizza.

228
00:14:30,805 --> 00:14:34,740
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?

229
00:14:34,742 --> 00:14:38,244
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who
didn't order the fucking pie!

230
00:14:38,246 --> 00:14:39,411
Then who placed the call?

231
00:14:39,847 --> 00:14:41,380
WADE: I did!

232
00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:42,681
(TOILET FLUSHING)

233
00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:45,484
Pineapple and olive?

234
00:14:45,486 --> 00:14:48,454
Sweet and salty.

235
00:14:48,456 --> 00:14:49,622
The fuck are you?

236
00:14:49,624 --> 00:14:51,624
The fuck you doing
in my crib...

237
00:14:51,626 --> 00:14:52,791
Is it burnt crust?

238
00:14:52,793 --> 00:14:54,727
I... God,
I hope not. Um...

239
00:14:54,729 --> 00:14:56,662
Whoa... Man, look,
if this is about that poker game.

240
00:14:56,664 --> 00:14:58,931
I told Howie,
I told him that...

241
00:14:58,933 --> 00:15:02,935
Okay, uh, look,
just take whatever you want.

242
00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:05,171
Thanks.

243
00:15:05,173 --> 00:15:06,472
Sir, before you do
anything to him,

244
00:15:06,474 --> 00:15:08,207
do you mind
if I get a big tip?

245
00:15:08,209 --> 00:15:10,943
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, Jeremy, is it?

246
00:15:10,945 --> 00:15:12,578
Umm-hmm.
Wade. Wade Wilson.

247
00:15:13,648 --> 00:15:16,682
That is a no go
on the tiperoo, Jer.

248
00:15:16,684 --> 00:15:18,551
I'm not here for him.

249
00:15:18,553 --> 00:15:20,286
I'm here for you.

250
00:15:20,288 --> 00:15:21,820
Oh. (CHUCKLES)

251
00:15:21,822 --> 00:15:23,589
Okay, wow, dodged
a big-time bullet on that one.

252
00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:26,292
Not out of the woods yet.
(GROANS)

253
00:15:26,294 --> 00:15:28,627
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.

254
00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:30,629
They're jeans,
not a chandelier.

255
00:15:30,631 --> 00:15:32,865
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.

256
00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:34,767
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...

257
00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:37,836
I will shoot your fucking cat!

258
00:15:37,838 --> 00:15:40,639
I don't really know what that means.
I don't have a cat.

259
00:15:40,641 --> 00:15:42,508
Then whose kitty litter
did I just shit in?

260
00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:48,714
Anyhoo, tell me something...

261
00:15:48,716 --> 00:15:52,551
what situation
isn't improved by pizza?

262
00:15:52,553 --> 00:15:54,853
Do you happen to know
a Meghan Orflosky?

263
00:15:54,855 --> 00:15:56,589
Getting that right?
Orflosky?

264
00:15:56,591 --> 00:15:58,891
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.

265
00:16:00,228 --> 00:16:01,493
Because she knows you.

266
00:16:01,495 --> 00:16:03,729
Jeremy, I belong
to a group of guys

267
00:16:03,731 --> 00:16:05,864
who take a dime
to beat a fella down.

268
00:16:05,866 --> 00:16:07,433
And little Meghan,
she's not made of money,

269
00:16:07,435 --> 00:16:08,734
but lucky for her...

270
00:16:08,736 --> 00:16:10,769
I got a soft spot.

271
00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:13,272
But I'm a...
A stalker.

272
00:16:13,274 --> 00:16:14,740
Threats hurt, Jer.

273
00:16:14,742 --> 00:16:18,410
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.

274
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,513
So keep away
from Meghan.

275
00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:22,581
Cool?

276
00:16:22,583 --> 00:16:23,749
Yes, sir.

277
00:16:23,751 --> 00:16:25,251
Then we're done.

278
00:16:25,253 --> 00:16:27,353
Wait. (CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
We are?

279
00:16:27,355 --> 00:16:29,622
Yeah. We're totally done.
(LAUGHS)

280
00:16:29,624 --> 00:16:31,257
You should've
seen your face.

281
00:16:31,259 --> 00:16:32,691
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.

282
00:16:32,693 --> 00:16:33,826
Soft spot, remember?

283
00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,361
(WHIMPERS)

284
00:16:35,363 --> 00:16:37,463
You even look in her
general direction again...

285
00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:38,964
and you will learn
in the worst of ways

286
00:16:38,966 --> 00:16:41,300
that I have
some hard spots too.

287
00:16:43,037 --> 00:16:44,603
That came out wrong.

288
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:46,872
Or did it?

289
00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:48,774
(WHIMPERING)

290
00:16:48,776 --> 00:16:50,542
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

291
00:16:50,544 --> 00:16:52,278
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

292
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,646
(WOMAN LAUGHING)

293
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,020
Mmm... Meghan?

294
00:17:04,292 --> 00:17:06,012
You've heard the last
of Jeremy. He's sorry.

295
00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:08,460
No friggin' way.

296
00:17:13,301 --> 00:17:14,433
Should've brought
my roller blades.

297
00:17:14,435 --> 00:17:15,868
Show these kids
how it's done.

298
00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:19,471
Oh. And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.

299
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,440
Hey, think you could
fuck up my step-dad?

300
00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:22,941
I give a guy
a pavement facial,

301
00:17:22,943 --> 00:17:24,063
it's because he's earned it.

302
00:17:24,679 --> 00:17:25,978
Hey, wait!

303
00:17:27,648 --> 00:17:28,914
You're my hero.

304
00:17:28,916 --> 00:17:31,583
No-no-no-no.
That I ain't!

305
00:17:33,087 --> 00:17:35,688
WADE: <i>Nope. Never will be.</i>

306
00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:37,690
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.

307
00:17:37,692 --> 00:17:41,360
<i>I'm just a bad guy who gets
paid to fuck up worse guys.</i>

308
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,563
<i>Welcome to Sister Margaret's.</i>

309
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,533
<i>It's like a job fair
for mercenaries.</i>

310
00:17:47,535 --> 00:17:49,468
<i>Think of us as really
fucked up tooth fairies...</i>

311
00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:52,037
<i>except we knock out the teeth
and take the cash.</i>

312
00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:55,107
<i>You'd best hope we never see
your name on a gold card.</i>

313
00:17:55,109 --> 00:17:57,476
Buck! Liefeld...

314
00:17:57,478 --> 00:17:58,744
BUCK: Hey, Wade!

315
00:17:58,746 --> 00:17:59,978
Wade Wilson,
patron saint of the pitiful.

316
00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,847
What can I do for you?

317
00:18:01,849 --> 00:18:03,482
I'd love a Blow Job.

318
00:18:03,484 --> 00:18:04,683
Oh, God, me too.

319
00:18:04,685 --> 00:18:06,819
The drink, moose knuckle.
But first...

320
00:18:08,489 --> 00:18:10,522
Hey, and I ain't taking
any babysitting money, all right?

321
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,091
Make sure
that gets back to Ms...

322
00:18:12,093 --> 00:18:13,392
Orlovsky.

323
00:18:13,394 --> 00:18:14,460
Yeah, her.

324
00:18:14,462 --> 00:18:15,894
You sure?
Hmm.

325
00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:18,464
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.

326
00:18:18,466 --> 00:18:20,432
I bet you let
the kid off easy, too.

327
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:22,401
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.

328
00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:23,635
Just a little light stalking.

329
00:18:23,637 --> 00:18:25,371
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.

330
00:18:25,373 --> 00:18:27,005
I was traveling
to exotic places...

331
00:18:27,007 --> 00:18:29,775
Baghdad, Mogadishu,
Jacksonville,

332
00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:31,677
meeting new and exciting
people. And then, uh...

333
00:18:31,679 --> 00:18:33,879
Killing them. Yeah,
I've seen your Instagram.

334
00:18:33,881 --> 00:18:36,415
So what was Special Forces doing
in Jacksonville, anyway?

335
00:18:36,417 --> 00:18:37,916
That's classified.

336
00:18:37,918 --> 00:18:40,152
(WHISPERS) They have
a wonderful TGI Fridays.

337
00:18:40,154 --> 00:18:42,654
All right,
Kahlua, Baileys and...

338
00:18:42,656 --> 00:18:43,922
whipped cream.

339
00:18:43,924 --> 00:18:46,558
I give you a Blow Job.

340
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:47,926
Why do you
make me make that?

341
00:18:47,928 --> 00:18:49,795
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...

342
00:18:49,797 --> 00:18:51,397
Take that over
to Buck please,

343
00:18:51,399 --> 00:18:53,165
and tell him it's from Boothe.
Little foreplay.

344
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,634
Remind me what good
will come of this?

345
00:18:55,636 --> 00:18:57,703
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.

346
00:18:57,705 --> 00:18:59,004
BUCK: Boothe!
Oh!

347
00:18:59,006 --> 00:19:00,406
Easy, man.
Hold up! Hold up!

348
00:19:00,408 --> 00:19:01,473
What you want?

349
00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:02,674
(GRUNTS)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

350
00:19:04,078 --> 00:19:06,879
Cheers. To your health.
WEASEL: Fuck you.

351
00:19:06,881 --> 00:19:09,047
BOOTHE: Come here,
you fat fuck!

352
00:19:09,049 --> 00:19:10,749
That's a new stool.

353
00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:11,984
(ALL CLAMORING)

354
00:19:15,523 --> 00:19:16,955
BUCK: Stay the fuck down.

355
00:19:16,957 --> 00:19:18,490
(GROANS)

356
00:19:19,627 --> 00:19:21,427
MAN: Whoa! Took his ass out!

357
00:19:21,429 --> 00:19:23,095
WEASEL: All right, move.
Move, move, move.

358
00:19:23,097 --> 00:19:24,463
Buck, go rest.

359
00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:27,059
MAN: Boothe got hit
then went down.

360
00:19:30,738 --> 00:19:33,472
Yeah, he's still breathing.

361
00:19:33,474 --> 00:19:34,606
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

362
00:19:36,010 --> 00:19:37,643
Nobody wins today.

363
00:19:37,645 --> 00:19:39,445
Nice try, Wade.

364
00:19:39,447 --> 00:19:41,580
You got me.
I picked Boothe in the dead pool.

365
00:19:41,582 --> 00:19:42,948
Who did you pick?

366
00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:45,150
Yeah, Wade,
about that, um...

367
00:19:45,152 --> 00:19:46,685
No.

368
00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:48,620
You did not bet
on me to die.

369
00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:53,592
You bet on me to die. Wow!

370
00:19:53,594 --> 00:19:55,461
Motherfucker, you're
the world's worst friend.

371
00:19:55,463 --> 00:19:57,696
Well, joke's on you.
I'm living to 102.

372
00:19:57,698 --> 00:19:59,832
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.

373
00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:02,835
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.

374
00:20:02,837 --> 00:20:04,136
I never win anything.

375
00:20:04,138 --> 00:20:05,237
Whatever.

376
00:20:05,239 --> 00:20:06,972
Soldiers of fortune,
drinks on me!

377
00:20:07,741 --> 00:20:09,475
(ALL CHEERING)

378
00:20:09,477 --> 00:20:11,243
Domestic, nothing imported.

379
00:20:14,014 --> 00:20:15,647
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa...

380
00:20:15,649 --> 00:20:19,218
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?

381
00:20:19,753 --> 00:20:22,621
Uh... Tight.

382
00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:26,525
Vanessa.
Wade.

383
00:20:26,527 --> 00:20:28,727
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?

384
00:20:29,964 --> 00:20:31,230
I'd hit that.

385
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,500
Buck, you best
apologize before...

386
00:20:34,502 --> 00:20:36,902
(GASPS)
Yeah, that.

387
00:20:36,904 --> 00:20:38,670
Say the magic words,
Fat Gandalf.

388
00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:40,506
I'm sorry.
Breathe through the nose.

389
00:20:40,508 --> 00:20:42,774
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...

390
00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:44,776
Let go. Okay.
Hey, oh, oh, oh...

391
00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:45,878
Hakuna his tatas.
He's sorry.

392
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,212
I'm working on it.

393
00:20:47,214 --> 00:20:49,848
Get out of here.
Go. Go cast a spell.

394
00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,251
Hey. Hands off
the merchandise.

395
00:20:53,821 --> 00:20:55,254
Merchandise? Huh...

396
00:20:55,256 --> 00:20:57,856
So you, uh...

397
00:20:57,858 --> 00:20:59,224
bump fuzzies for money?

398
00:20:59,226 --> 00:21:01,293
Yep.
Rough childhood?

399
00:21:01,295 --> 00:21:02,561
Rougher than yours.

400
00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:04,730
Daddy left before
I was born.

401
00:21:04,732 --> 00:21:06,231
Daddy left before
I was conceived.

402
00:21:07,535 --> 00:21:09,101
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?

403
00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:10,602
Where else do you
put one out?

404
00:21:10,604 --> 00:21:11,870
I was molested.

405
00:21:11,872 --> 00:21:13,672
Me too. Uncle.

406
00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:16,141
Uncles. They took turns.

407
00:21:16,143 --> 00:21:17,676
I watched my own
birthday party

408
00:21:17,678 --> 00:21:18,877
through the keyhole
of a locked closet...

409
00:21:18,879 --> 00:21:20,279
which also happens to be my...

410
00:21:20,281 --> 00:21:23,148
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.

411
00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:25,751
(GASPS) You had a dishwasher.

412
00:21:25,753 --> 00:21:26,852
I didn't even know sleep.

413
00:21:26,854 --> 00:21:28,787
It was pretty much
24/7 ball gags,

414
00:21:28,789 --> 00:21:30,255
brownie mix and clown porn.

415
00:21:30,257 --> 00:21:31,723
(LAUGHS)

416
00:21:34,161 --> 00:21:35,627
Who would do such a thing?

417
00:21:37,097 --> 00:21:40,732
Hopefully you, later tonight?

418
00:21:43,337 --> 00:21:48,340
Hey, what can I get for,
uh, $275 and a...

419
00:21:49,643 --> 00:21:51,243
a Yogurtland rewards card?

420
00:21:51,245 --> 00:21:54,012
Baby, about 48 minutes of
whatever the fuck you want.

421
00:21:55,316 --> 00:21:57,182
And a low-fat dessert.

422
00:22:04,124 --> 00:22:06,625
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?

423
00:22:07,795 --> 00:22:09,928
It's time to put
balls in holes.

424
00:22:10,898 --> 00:22:12,598
You said whatever I want.

425
00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:14,600
I get it.

426
00:22:14,602 --> 00:22:16,101
You love skee ball.

427
00:22:16,103 --> 00:22:18,370
Apparently more than
you love vagina.

428
00:22:18,372 --> 00:22:20,839
That's a tough call.
(SCOFFS)

429
00:22:20,841 --> 00:22:23,108
(STUTTERS) I just wanna get to
know the real you, you know.

430
00:22:23,110 --> 00:22:25,110
Not the short-shorted,
two-dimensional

431
00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:27,079
sex object
peddled by Hollywood.

432
00:22:27,081 --> 00:22:28,146
VANESSA: Balls in holes.

433
00:22:28,148 --> 00:22:29,214
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

434
00:22:29,216 --> 00:22:30,282
Balls in holes.

435
00:22:30,284 --> 00:22:31,917
Prepare to lose tragically.

436
00:22:31,919 --> 00:22:33,051
Bring it, big man.

437
00:22:33,053 --> 00:22:34,119
Okay.

438
00:22:36,390 --> 00:22:37,756
(MOCKING SCOOBY-DOO)
Uh-oh.

439
00:22:38,158 --> 00:22:39,224
Uh-oh.

440
00:22:40,327 --> 00:22:41,927
The limited edition

441
00:22:41,929 --> 00:22:45,197
Voltron: Defender of
the Universe ring, <i>por favor.</i>

442
00:22:45,199 --> 00:22:48,767
Okay. Here we go.

443
00:22:48,769 --> 00:22:50,902
Had my eye on
this sucker for a while.

444
00:22:50,904 --> 00:22:52,838
And I will take
the pencil eraser.

445
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,239
BOY: Okay.

446
00:22:54,241 --> 00:22:57,142
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.

447
00:22:57,144 --> 00:22:59,144
And you can erase stuff...

448
00:22:59,146 --> 00:23:00,912
written in pencil.

449
00:23:00,914 --> 00:23:02,280
M'lady?

450
00:23:02,282 --> 00:23:03,749
Well, I hate to
break it to you...

451
00:23:03,751 --> 00:23:06,018
but your 48 minutes
are up.

452
00:23:06,020 --> 00:23:08,920
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?

453
00:23:08,922 --> 00:23:11,356
FYI, five mini lion-bots
come together

454
00:23:11,358 --> 00:23:13,792
to form one super-bot, so...

455
00:23:13,794 --> 00:23:16,895
Five mini lion-bots?
Three minutes.

456
00:23:16,897 --> 00:23:18,564
Deal.

457
00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:20,805
What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?

458
00:23:21,035 --> 00:23:22,100
Cuddle?

459
00:23:22,703 --> 00:23:24,202
(MOANING)

460
00:23:24,204 --> 00:23:26,338
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

461
00:23:26,340 --> 00:23:28,106
How long can you
keep this up?

462
00:23:28,108 --> 00:23:29,441
All year?

463
00:23:29,443 --> 00:23:30,709
(CHUCKLES)

464
00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:33,412
(CONTINUES MOANING)

465
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:41,853
Happy Valentine's Day.

466
00:23:49,329 --> 00:23:51,063
Happy Chinese New Year.

467
00:23:51,065 --> 00:23:52,397
Year of the Dog.

468
00:23:55,335 --> 00:23:56,401
(EXHALES)

469
00:23:57,471 --> 00:23:59,271
Relax.

470
00:23:59,273 --> 00:24:01,440
And Happy
International Women's Day.

471
00:24:03,477 --> 00:24:04,743
(WHIP CRACKS)

472
00:24:05,979 --> 00:24:09,147
(GROANS) No. No. No.

473
00:24:11,385 --> 00:24:12,751
Happy Lent.

474
00:24:14,855 --> 00:24:16,488
(MOANING)

475
00:24:16,490 --> 00:24:17,889
Ow, ow.

476
00:24:17,891 --> 00:24:19,157
Wade?
Sorry.

477
00:24:19,159 --> 00:24:20,759
Happy Halloween.

478
00:24:20,761 --> 00:24:21,893
Happy Halloween.

479
00:24:21,895 --> 00:24:22,961
(LAUGHS)

480
00:24:24,098 --> 00:24:25,964
(CONTINUES MOANING)

481
00:24:31,438 --> 00:24:33,305
Happy Thanksgiving.

482
00:24:35,242 --> 00:24:36,242
I love you.

483
00:24:40,247 --> 00:24:42,314
If your left leg
is Thanksgiving...

484
00:24:42,316 --> 00:24:44,116
and your right leg
is Christmas...

485
00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:46,985
can I visit you
between the holidays?

486
00:24:47,788 --> 00:24:48,887
(CHUCKLES)
Oh!

487
00:24:48,889 --> 00:24:50,789
That sweater is terrible.

488
00:24:50,791 --> 00:24:51,890
(LAUGHS)

489
00:24:51,892 --> 00:24:53,325
But red looks good on you.

490
00:24:53,327 --> 00:24:54,760
Red's your color.

491
00:24:54,762 --> 00:24:56,294
Brings out the bloodshot
in your eyes.

492
00:24:57,197 --> 00:24:58,296
Listen,
I've been thinking...

493
00:24:58,298 --> 00:25:00,132
Really?

494
00:25:00,134 --> 00:25:02,200
...about why we're
so good together.

495
00:25:02,202 --> 00:25:04,136
Why's that?

496
00:25:04,138 --> 00:25:08,140
Well, your crazy matches
my crazy. Big time.

497
00:25:08,142 --> 00:25:10,075
Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

498
00:25:10,077 --> 00:25:11,810
And, uh, we're like
two jigsaw pieces,

499
00:25:11,812 --> 00:25:13,411
you know,
the weird curvy edges...

500
00:25:13,413 --> 00:25:15,881
You put them together and you
can see the picture on top.

501
00:25:16,483 --> 00:25:17,816
Right.

502
00:25:18,218 --> 00:25:20,051
Wade...

503
00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:22,487
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.

504
00:25:22,489 --> 00:25:25,157
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.

505
00:25:27,227 --> 00:25:28,360
Will you, uh...

506
00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,429
stick it in my...
Marry me?

507
00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:35,433
Uh... Jinx?

508
00:25:35,435 --> 00:25:37,302
Huh.

509
00:25:37,304 --> 00:25:38,470
Where were you
hiding that?

510
00:25:38,472 --> 00:25:40,505
Nowhere.

511
00:25:40,507 --> 00:25:42,307
They say one month's salary.
So, uh...

512
00:25:42,309 --> 00:25:43,341
You mean?

513
00:25:43,343 --> 00:25:44,409
I do.

514
00:25:44,411 --> 00:25:45,477
That's my line.

515
00:25:48,916 --> 00:25:51,316
I love you, Wade Wilson.

516
00:25:51,318 --> 00:25:52,818
You're supposed to...
So that's a...

517
00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:54,252
Yes!
Whoo!

518
00:25:54,988 --> 00:25:56,121
Yes!

519
00:25:56,123 --> 00:25:58,190
(LAUGHS)

520
00:25:58,192 --> 00:26:00,058
I feel just like
a little girl.

521
00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,893
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)

522
00:26:04,998 --> 00:26:07,332
What if I just held on
and never let go?

523
00:26:07,334 --> 00:26:10,068
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.

524
00:26:10,070 --> 00:26:12,404
Oh, <i>Star Wars</i> jokes.

525
00:26:12,940 --> 00:26:14,172
<i>Empire.</i>

526
00:26:15,475 --> 00:26:16,942
Jesus Christ.

527
00:26:16,944 --> 00:26:18,944
It's like I made you
in a computer.

528
00:26:18,946 --> 00:26:20,512
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

529
00:26:20,514 --> 00:26:21,580
Mmm.

530
00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:24,149
Hey.

531
00:26:25,152 --> 00:26:26,551
Perfect.
(CAMERA CLICKS)

532
00:26:30,290 --> 00:26:31,957
Let's see.
All right, wee break.

533
00:26:31,959 --> 00:26:33,225
Shake it, yeah.

534
00:26:37,898 --> 00:26:39,364
(SIGHS)

535
00:26:39,366 --> 00:26:40,999
WADE: <i>Here's the thing.</i>

536
00:26:41,001 --> 00:26:42,968
<i>Life is an endless series
of train-wrecks...</i>

537
00:26:42,970 --> 00:26:47,372
<i>with only brief,
commercial-like breaks of happiness.</i>

538
00:26:47,374 --> 00:26:50,175
<i>This had been the ultimate
commercial break.</i>

539
00:26:50,177 --> 00:26:51,376
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(SIGHS)

540
00:26:52,512 --> 00:26:54,012
<i>Which meant
it was time to return</i>

541
00:26:54,014 --> 00:26:55,914
<i>to our regularly
scheduled program.</i>

542
00:26:55,916 --> 00:26:57,649
What the...
(THUDS)

543
00:26:57,651 --> 00:26:58,984
Oh, my God. Wade?

544
00:27:05,158 --> 00:27:06,992
You're clowning.

545
00:27:06,994 --> 00:27:08,593
You're not clowning?

546
00:27:08,595 --> 00:27:11,046
I sense clowns.

547
00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:13,498
People react to news of
late-stage cancer differently.

548
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:16,401
There are certainly options
we can look into.

549
00:27:16,403 --> 00:27:18,270
New drugs are being
developed every day.

550
00:27:22,676 --> 00:27:24,342
So what do we do?

551
00:27:24,344 --> 00:27:27,946
Surely there is
something we can do.

552
00:27:27,948 --> 00:27:30,482
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed
with thyroid cancer...

553
00:27:30,484 --> 00:27:33,084
and there were all these new
experimental drugs from Germany.

554
00:27:33,086 --> 00:27:35,587
WADE: <i>Vanessa's already
working on Plan A, B,</i>

555
00:27:35,589 --> 00:27:37,589
<i>all the way through Z.</i>

556
00:27:37,591 --> 00:27:41,960
<i>Me? I'm memorizing
the details of her face.</i>

557
00:27:41,962 --> 00:27:44,329
<i>Like it's the first time
I'm seeing it.</i>

558
00:27:44,331 --> 00:27:45,463
<i>Or the last.</i>

559
00:27:45,465 --> 00:27:47,132
DOCTOR: Mr. Wilson...

560
00:27:47,134 --> 00:27:48,967
Mr. Wilson?

561
00:27:48,969 --> 00:27:52,237
Take your time
to process this.

562
00:27:52,239 --> 00:27:54,239
<i>It's important not to
do anything rash.</i>

563
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:01,579
(WADE GRUNTS)

564
00:28:04,518 --> 00:28:05,617
(SIGHS LOUDLY)

565
00:28:05,619 --> 00:28:08,386
Now, if I were
a 200-pound sack

566
00:28:08,388 --> 00:28:11,056
of assholes named Francis,
where would I hide?

567
00:28:11,058 --> 00:28:13,058
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)

568
00:28:14,728 --> 00:28:15,994
Oh.

569
00:28:19,633 --> 00:28:20,699
(ENGINE ROARING)

570
00:28:21,635 --> 00:28:22,701
(GUN FIRING)

571
00:28:29,076 --> 00:28:30,141
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)

572
00:28:36,416 --> 00:28:38,350
WADE: A hush falls
over the crowd

573
00:28:38,352 --> 00:28:40,652
as rookie sensation
Wade W. Wilson...

574
00:28:40,654 --> 00:28:44,289
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.

575
00:28:46,093 --> 00:28:47,692
His form looks good.

576
00:28:48,528 --> 00:28:49,694
Oh!

577
00:28:49,696 --> 00:28:54,232
And that's why Regina
rhymes with fun.

578
00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:56,534
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you're witnessing...

579
00:28:56,536 --> 00:28:59,004
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.

580
00:28:59,773 --> 00:29:01,673
Oh! Giving him the business.

581
00:29:01,675 --> 00:29:04,009
Incoming!

582
00:29:04,011 --> 00:29:07,679
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!

583
00:29:07,681 --> 00:29:08,747
(FRANCIS GROANS)

584
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,120
Looking good, Francis.
Well rested.

585
00:29:15,122 --> 00:29:17,288
Like you've been pitching,
not catching.

586
00:29:17,290 --> 00:29:19,324
Ringing any bells? No?

587
00:29:24,264 --> 00:29:25,497
How about now?

588
00:29:27,667 --> 00:29:29,434
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

589
00:29:29,436 --> 00:29:31,636
Wade fucking Wilson.

590
00:29:34,174 --> 00:29:36,324
FRANCIS: Well,
hello, gorgeous.

591
00:29:36,325 --> 00:29:38,475
WADE: Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.

592
00:29:38,478 --> 00:29:41,679
Yeah. And whose fault
is that, huh, Francis?

593
00:29:41,681 --> 00:29:43,715
Yeah, time to undo what
you did to this butterface.

594
00:29:43,717 --> 00:29:45,550
Please,
you should thank me.

595
00:29:45,552 --> 00:29:47,185
Apparently,
I made you immortal.

596
00:29:47,187 --> 00:29:48,720
I'm actually
quite jealous.

597
00:29:48,722 --> 00:29:51,222
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living, is it?

598
00:29:53,193 --> 00:29:54,826
Now, I'm about
to do to you

599
00:29:54,828 --> 00:29:57,362
what Limp Bizkit did to
music in the late 90s.

600
00:29:57,364 --> 00:29:58,496
(METAL CLANKS)

601
00:29:59,433 --> 00:30:00,498
Dad?

602
00:30:03,837 --> 00:30:06,604
WADE: <i>I think we can all agree
that shit just went sideways</i>

603
00:30:06,606 --> 00:30:08,540
<i>in the most colossal way.</i>

604
00:30:09,509 --> 00:30:12,077
<i>Well, maybe not the most.</i>

605
00:30:12,079 --> 00:30:15,780
WADE: Uh... This is
my most prized possession.

606
00:30:16,349 --> 00:30:17,449
VANESSA: Wham?

607
00:30:17,451 --> 00:30:19,717
No, no, no. Wham!

608
00:30:19,719 --> 00:30:23,321
<i>Make It Big</i> is the album that George
and Andy earned the exclamation point.

609
00:30:24,324 --> 00:30:25,857
So, am I supposed
to just smile

610
00:30:25,859 --> 00:30:27,325
and wave you out the door?

611
00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:28,726
Think of it like
spring cleaning.

612
00:30:28,728 --> 00:30:30,261
Only if spring
was death.

613
00:30:30,263 --> 00:30:32,630
God, if I had a nickel
for every time

614
00:30:32,632 --> 00:30:35,233
I spanked it to
Bernadette Peters.

615
00:30:35,235 --> 00:30:37,469
Sounds like you do.
(COINS JINGLING)

616
00:30:37,471 --> 00:30:39,404
Bernadette is not
going anywhere,

617
00:30:39,406 --> 00:30:41,406
because you're not
going anywhere.

618
00:30:41,408 --> 00:30:42,707
Drink.

619
00:30:42,709 --> 00:30:44,109
You're right.
Cancer is only in my liver,

620
00:30:44,111 --> 00:30:45,410
lungs, prostate, and brain.

621
00:30:45,412 --> 00:30:46,644
All things I can
live without.

622
00:30:47,747 --> 00:30:48,847
Ha.

623
00:30:48,849 --> 00:30:50,882
You belong here
at home.

624
00:30:50,884 --> 00:30:52,517
Surrounded by
your Voltron

625
00:30:52,519 --> 00:30:54,652
and your Bernadette,
and your me.

626
00:30:55,856 --> 00:30:59,491
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.

627
00:31:01,161 --> 00:31:03,294
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-
opening-for-the

628
00:31:03,296 --> 00:31:06,164
Spin-Doctors-at-the-
Iowa-State-Fair shit-show.

629
00:31:08,168 --> 00:31:12,704
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.

630
00:31:13,907 --> 00:31:15,707
I want you to remember me.

631
00:31:17,244 --> 00:31:19,144
Not the ghost
of Christmas me.

632
00:31:19,146 --> 00:31:21,379
Well, I wanna remember us.

633
00:31:21,381 --> 00:31:23,815
I swear to God, I will
find you in the next life...

634
00:31:23,816 --> 00:31:26,250
and I'm gonna boom-box
<i>Careless Whisper</i> outside your window.

635
00:31:26,253 --> 00:31:27,652
Wham!

636
00:31:30,924 --> 00:31:34,192
No one is boom-boxing shit.
Okay?

637
00:31:36,596 --> 00:31:38,196
We can fight this.

638
00:31:41,268 --> 00:31:44,269
Besides, I just
realized something.

639
00:31:44,271 --> 00:31:46,604
You win.
Your life is officially

640
00:31:46,606 --> 00:31:49,407
way more fucked up
than mine.

641
00:31:50,610 --> 00:31:52,744
(WADE CHUCKLES)

642
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:54,746
I love you.

643
00:31:58,952 --> 00:32:00,618
(MUSIC PLAYING)

644
00:32:06,426 --> 00:32:07,625
Wade.

645
00:32:09,696 --> 00:32:11,262
Weas.

646
00:32:11,264 --> 00:32:13,565
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.

647
00:32:13,567 --> 00:32:15,700
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.

648
00:32:15,702 --> 00:32:17,468
How about three shots
of Patron?

649
00:32:17,470 --> 00:32:21,306
Or how about <i>Triticum aestivum,</i>
wheatgrass.

650
00:32:21,308 --> 00:32:22,640
Excellent for
the immune system.

651
00:32:22,642 --> 00:32:24,742
Jesus Christ.
You sound like Vanessa.

652
00:32:24,744 --> 00:32:27,128
Here, check it out.

653
00:32:27,129 --> 00:32:29,513
She's sending away for all these
colorful clinic brochures.

654
00:32:29,516 --> 00:32:31,716
I'm sure they're
all FDA approved.

655
00:32:31,718 --> 00:32:34,719
Chechnya. Isn't that where
you go to get cancer?

656
00:32:34,721 --> 00:32:37,855
You got China
and Central Mexico.

657
00:32:37,857 --> 00:32:40,325
You know how they
say "cancer" in Spanish?

658
00:32:40,327 --> 00:32:41,859
No.

659
00:32:41,861 --> 00:32:43,595
<i>El Cancer.</i>
Oh.

660
00:32:43,597 --> 00:32:45,863
I could have
guessed that.

661
00:32:45,865 --> 00:32:47,432
Look how happy
you look here.

662
00:32:47,434 --> 00:32:49,000
Mind if I keep this?
Put it up,

663
00:32:49,002 --> 00:32:51,903
so I can remember
when you looked alive.

664
00:32:51,905 --> 00:32:53,905
At least now I'm gonna
win the dead pool.

665
00:32:53,907 --> 00:32:56,708
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.

666
00:32:56,710 --> 00:32:58,610
I got it, Weas. Thanks.

667
00:32:58,612 --> 00:33:01,012
Oh.

668
00:33:01,014 --> 00:33:03,715
And, uh, that guy over there
came in looking for you.

669
00:33:03,717 --> 00:33:06,651
Real Grim Reaper type.

670
00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:08,686
I don't know.
Might further the plot.

671
00:33:12,692 --> 00:33:13,791
Boothe.

672
00:33:13,793 --> 00:33:14,959
Wade.

673
00:33:18,698 --> 00:33:20,265
(WADE SIGHS)

674
00:33:20,267 --> 00:33:21,699
Mr. Wilson.

675
00:33:21,701 --> 00:33:22,900
How can I help you?

676
00:33:22,902 --> 00:33:25,670
Besides luring children
into a panel van.

677
00:33:25,672 --> 00:33:29,440
I understand you've recently
been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

678
00:33:29,442 --> 00:33:30,608
Stalker alert.

679
00:33:30,610 --> 00:33:33,511
It's my job.
Recruitment.

680
00:33:33,513 --> 00:33:36,948
I'm sorry you've had
such a tough go.

681
00:33:36,950 --> 00:33:39,417
But you're a fighter.
Special Forces.

682
00:33:39,419 --> 00:33:42,320
41 confirmed kills.

683
00:33:42,322 --> 00:33:43,688
One every seven weeks.

684
00:33:43,690 --> 00:33:46,724
Same rate most folks
get a haircut. Hmm...

685
00:33:46,726 --> 00:33:47,992
It's to wash
the taste out.

686
00:33:47,994 --> 00:33:51,562
It's tough to forget
being so impressive.

687
00:33:51,564 --> 00:33:53,598
And now you
spend your days

688
00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:55,600
sticking up for
the little people...

689
00:33:55,602 --> 00:33:57,602
People change.
What do you want?

690
00:33:57,604 --> 00:34:00,738
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.

691
00:34:02,609 --> 00:34:06,844
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?

692
00:34:06,846 --> 00:34:11,015
And what's more, give you abilities
most men only dream of?

693
00:34:14,688 --> 00:34:16,587
I'd say that you sound
like an infomercial,

694
00:34:16,589 --> 00:34:18,756
but not a good one,
like Slap Chop.

695
00:34:18,758 --> 00:34:20,491
More Shake Weight-y.

696
00:34:20,493 --> 00:34:23,561
The world needs
extraordinary soldiers.

697
00:34:23,563 --> 00:34:25,697
We won't just
make you better.

698
00:34:25,699 --> 00:34:28,766
We will make you
better than better.

699
00:34:29,703 --> 00:34:31,369
A superhero.

700
00:34:31,371 --> 00:34:34,105
Look, Agent Smith,

701
00:34:34,107 --> 00:34:36,741
I tried the hero business
and it left a mark.

702
00:34:36,743 --> 00:34:39,510
But if I ever hit "fuck it,"
I'll look you up.

703
00:34:40,013 --> 00:34:41,779
Oh, um...

704
00:34:41,781 --> 00:34:43,481
Shit. We're within
500 yards of a school,

705
00:34:43,483 --> 00:34:44,716
so you may wanna...

706
00:34:49,656 --> 00:34:50,922
His drink's on him.

707
00:34:56,596 --> 00:34:58,429
WEASEL: What did he say?

708
00:34:58,431 --> 00:34:59,664
(THUNDERCLAP)

709
00:35:00,667 --> 00:35:02,967
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

710
00:35:08,908 --> 00:35:10,408
(SNIFFLES)

711
00:35:20,887 --> 00:35:22,620
VANESSA: Hey, what's going on?

712
00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:25,022
(SNIFFLES) Hey. Sorry.

713
00:35:26,526 --> 00:35:29,427
I had a Liam Neeson
nightmare.

714
00:35:29,429 --> 00:35:30,895
I dreamt I kidnapped
his daughter

715
00:35:30,897 --> 00:35:32,630
and he just
wasn't having it.

716
00:35:40,173 --> 00:35:45,510
Hey, uh, they've made
three of those movies.

717
00:35:45,512 --> 00:35:48,713
At some point you have
to wonder if he's just a bad parent.

718
00:35:48,715 --> 00:35:49,781
Hmm.

719
00:36:02,962 --> 00:36:06,964
WADE: <i>The worst part about cancer
isn't what it does to you...</i>

720
00:36:06,966 --> 00:36:10,101
<i>but what it does to
the people you love.</i>

721
00:36:10,103 --> 00:36:12,804
<i>Who knew if this guy
could save my life...</i>

722
00:36:12,806 --> 00:36:15,940
<i>but I knew there was only one
way that I could save hers.</i>

723
00:36:15,942 --> 00:36:17,475
(DOOR CLOSES)

724
00:36:19,679 --> 00:36:21,946
<i>Isn't that what
superheroes do?</i>

725
00:36:25,452 --> 00:36:26,517
(CARS HONKING)

726
00:36:29,889 --> 00:36:31,155
(PHONE RINGING)

727
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:38,496
WADE: <i>Okay. Let's pro-con
this superhero thing.</i>

728
00:36:38,965 --> 00:36:40,164
(THUDS)
Ow.

729
00:36:40,166 --> 00:36:43,134
<i>Pro: They pull down
a gaggle of ass.</i>

730
00:36:43,136 --> 00:36:44,702
<i>Local dry cleaning discounts.</i>

731
00:36:44,704 --> 00:36:46,571
<i>Lucrative film deals,
both origin stories</i>

732
00:36:46,573 --> 00:36:48,739
<i>and larger ensemble
team movies.</i>

733
00:36:48,741 --> 00:36:51,843
Con: They're all lame-ass
teacher's pets.

734
00:36:51,845 --> 00:36:53,711
You know,
I can hear you.

735
00:36:53,713 --> 00:36:56,681
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.

736
00:36:56,683 --> 00:36:58,983
Stay right here.

737
00:36:58,985 --> 00:37:01,252
COLOSSUS: You've been
warned before, Deadpool.

738
00:37:01,254 --> 00:37:04,989
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.

739
00:37:04,991 --> 00:37:07,124
You will both
be coming with us.

740
00:37:07,126 --> 00:37:09,060
WADE: Look, Colossus,
I don't have time for

741
00:37:09,062 --> 00:37:11,162
the goody two-shoes
bullshit right now!

742
00:37:11,164 --> 00:37:13,097
And you are?

743
00:37:14,734 --> 00:37:16,634
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

744
00:37:16,636 --> 00:37:20,037
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?

745
00:37:20,039 --> 00:37:21,939
That's the coolest name ever!

746
00:37:23,276 --> 00:37:26,010
So, what, you're like,
uh, his sidekick?

747
00:37:26,012 --> 00:37:27,645
No. Trainee.

748
00:37:27,647 --> 00:37:29,046
Let me guess.

749
00:37:29,048 --> 00:37:31,682
X-Men left you behind
on what? Shit detail?

750
00:37:31,684 --> 00:37:33,434
What does that make you?

751
00:37:33,435 --> 00:37:35,185
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

752
00:37:35,188 --> 00:37:36,654
Can we trade names?

753
00:37:36,656 --> 00:37:38,155
(FRANCIS GROANS)
Can we go?

754
00:37:38,157 --> 00:37:40,691
WADE: Look!
I'm a teenage girl.

755
00:37:40,693 --> 00:37:42,894
I'd rather be
anywhere than here.

756
00:37:42,896 --> 00:37:45,096
I'm all about
long sullen silences...

757
00:37:45,098 --> 00:37:49,033
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.

758
00:37:49,035 --> 00:37:52,270
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...

759
00:37:52,272 --> 00:37:54,972
or mean comment? Go on.

760
00:37:56,175 --> 00:37:57,542
You got me in a box here.

761
00:37:57,544 --> 00:37:58,643
Aha!

762
00:37:58,645 --> 00:38:00,645
We can't allow this,
Deadpool.

763
00:38:00,647 --> 00:38:02,046
Please, come quietly.

764
00:38:02,048 --> 00:38:04,315
You big chrome
cock-gobbler!

765
00:38:04,317 --> 00:38:05,767
COLOSSUS: That's not nice.

766
00:38:05,768 --> 00:38:07,218
You're really gonna
fuck this up for me?

767
00:38:07,220 --> 00:38:11,789
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.

768
00:38:11,791 --> 00:38:14,725
He's pure evil.

769
00:38:14,727 --> 00:38:18,029
Besides...
Nobody's getting hurt.

770
00:38:19,666 --> 00:38:20,731
(THUDS)

771
00:38:23,202 --> 00:38:25,603
That guy was already up there
when I got here.

772
00:38:25,605 --> 00:38:28,839
Wade, you are
better than this.

773
00:38:28,841 --> 00:38:31,208
Join us.
Use your powers for good.

774
00:38:31,210 --> 00:38:32,276
WADE: Heads up.

775
00:38:32,278 --> 00:38:33,744
Be a superhero.

776
00:38:33,746 --> 00:38:35,513
WADE: Listen!

777
00:38:35,514 --> 00:38:37,281
The day I decide to become a
crime-fighting shit-swizzler...

778
00:38:37,283 --> 00:38:40,685
who rooms with a bunch of other little
whiners at the Neverland mansion...

779
00:38:40,687 --> 00:38:45,623
of some creepy, old, bald,
Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker...

780
00:38:45,625 --> 00:38:47,291
on that day...

781
00:38:47,293 --> 00:38:49,694
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.

782
00:38:49,696 --> 00:38:52,163
But until then, I'mma do
what I came here to do.

783
00:38:52,165 --> 00:38:54,966
Either that or slap
the bitch outta you!

784
00:38:54,968 --> 00:38:56,233
COLOSSUS: Wade...
Hey.

785
00:38:56,235 --> 00:38:57,602
Zip it, Sinead!

786
00:38:57,604 --> 00:38:58,669
Hey, douche-pool!

787
00:38:58,671 --> 00:38:59,971
And I hope
you're watching...

788
00:38:59,973 --> 00:39:02,039
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)

789
00:39:02,041 --> 00:39:03,674
(GASPS LOUDLY)

790
00:39:04,711 --> 00:39:06,377
Quite unfortunate.

791
00:39:09,849 --> 00:39:12,183
That does it!

792
00:39:12,185 --> 00:39:13,384
(METAL CLANKS)

793
00:39:13,386 --> 00:39:14,852
Oh!

794
00:39:14,854 --> 00:39:17,922
(GROANS) Canada!

795
00:39:19,058 --> 00:39:20,124
That's not good.

796
00:39:20,126 --> 00:39:21,292
COLOSSUS: Wade, please.

797
00:39:21,294 --> 00:39:24,195
WADE: Cock shot!
(GROANS)

798
00:39:24,197 --> 00:39:26,030
Oh, your poor wife.

799
00:39:26,032 --> 00:39:28,265
You really should stop.

800
00:39:28,267 --> 00:39:29,700
(GROANING)

801
00:39:31,337 --> 00:39:33,938
All the dinosaurs
feared the <i>T. rex.</i>

802
00:39:35,308 --> 00:39:36,974
(WADE SCREAMS)

803
00:39:37,276 --> 00:39:38,843
(LAUGHS)

804
00:39:38,845 --> 00:39:40,778
WADE: I promise this gets
worse for you, big boy!

805
00:39:40,780 --> 00:39:42,747
This is embarrassing.
(GROANS)

806
00:39:42,749 --> 00:39:45,416
Please, stay down.

807
00:39:45,418 --> 00:39:48,019
WADE: You ever hear of the one-legged
man in the ass-kicking contest?

808
00:39:48,021 --> 00:39:49,420
Do you have
off switch?

809
00:39:49,422 --> 00:39:51,188
Yeah, it's right next
to the prostate.

810
00:39:51,190 --> 00:39:52,323
Or is that the on switch?

811
00:39:52,325 --> 00:39:54,425
Enough!
(GLASS SHATTERS)

812
00:39:54,427 --> 00:39:56,193
(LAUGHS)

813
00:39:56,195 --> 00:39:57,828
(GROANING)

814
00:40:03,036 --> 00:40:05,302
COLOSSUS: Let us go talk
to the Professor.

815
00:40:05,304 --> 00:40:07,171
McAvoy or Stewart?

816
00:40:07,173 --> 00:40:09,407
These timelines
are so confusing.

817
00:40:10,810 --> 00:40:13,377
"Dead or alive,
you're coming with me!"

818
00:40:13,379 --> 00:40:15,246
COLOSSUS: You will
recover, Wade.

819
00:40:15,248 --> 00:40:16,947
You always do.

820
00:40:21,354 --> 00:40:24,989
You ever see <i>127 Hours?</i>
Spoiler alert.

821
00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,258
(SQUISHING NOISE)

822
00:40:28,695 --> 00:40:29,860
Oh, my God.

823
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:34,665
Nasty.

824
00:40:34,666 --> 00:40:35,331
WADE: Oh, there's
the money shot, baby.

825
00:40:35,334 --> 00:40:36,734
(RETCHING)

826
00:40:36,736 --> 00:40:38,469
<i>Are You There God?
It's Me, Margaret.</i>

827
00:40:44,077 --> 00:40:45,142
(TRUCK HORN HONKS)

828
00:40:49,449 --> 00:40:52,349
WADE: <i>Rock, meet bottom.</i>

829
00:40:52,351 --> 00:40:55,786
<i>And when life ends up
breathtakingly fucked...</i>

830
00:40:55,788 --> 00:40:59,990
<i>you can generally trace it
back to one big, bad decision.</i>

831
00:40:59,992 --> 00:41:03,194
<i>The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburgh.</i>

832
00:41:03,196 --> 00:41:06,897
<i>This? Well, this was mine.</i>

833
00:41:06,899 --> 00:41:09,767
AGENT SMITH: Mr. Wilson.

834
00:41:09,769 --> 00:41:14,205
Nothing warms my heart more than
a change of someone else's.

835
00:41:14,207 --> 00:41:16,040
You finally hit "fuck it."

836
00:41:17,110 --> 00:41:19,844
Just promise
you'll do right by me.

837
00:41:19,846 --> 00:41:21,912
So I can do right
by someone else.

838
00:41:21,914 --> 00:41:23,814
Of course.

839
00:41:23,816 --> 00:41:25,516
And please don't make
the super-suit green.

840
00:41:26,853 --> 00:41:28,319
Or animated.

841
00:41:30,123 --> 00:41:32,757
(MAN CHOKING)

842
00:41:34,861 --> 00:41:36,393
MAN: Move it! Keep moving.

843
00:41:36,395 --> 00:41:37,995
(PATIENT SCREAMING)

844
00:41:48,407 --> 00:41:51,342
This place seems sanitary.

845
00:41:51,344 --> 00:41:53,544
My first request
is warmer hands.

846
00:41:53,546 --> 00:41:57,448
Oh! And, Jesus,
a warmer table.

847
00:41:59,018 --> 00:42:01,218
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.

848
00:42:01,220 --> 00:42:03,154
I'm thinking
"pork and beans."

849
00:42:06,425 --> 00:42:08,559
(GROANS) Easy.

850
00:42:10,496 --> 00:42:12,963
Aren't you a little
strong for a lady?

851
00:42:13,533 --> 00:42:15,266
I'm calling wang.

852
00:42:15,268 --> 00:42:17,168
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

853
00:42:18,971 --> 00:42:20,371
What's up with the matches?

854
00:42:20,373 --> 00:42:23,307
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?

855
00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:24,575
(MUFFLED GROAN)

856
00:42:24,577 --> 00:42:26,076
Patience, Angel.

857
00:42:26,979 --> 00:42:28,579
All in good time.

858
00:42:28,581 --> 00:42:30,581
Are you here for
the turndown service, or what?

859
00:42:32,185 --> 00:42:33,751
We have another talker.

860
00:42:33,752 --> 00:42:35,318
I'm just excited about my
first day at superhero camp.

861
00:42:35,321 --> 00:42:37,521
Shut the fuck up.

862
00:42:40,860 --> 00:42:42,893
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.

863
00:42:43,863 --> 00:42:46,997
I manage this workshop.

864
00:42:46,999 --> 00:42:50,267
Ah, my welcome speech used to
be full of euphemisms like...

865
00:42:50,269 --> 00:42:51,902
"This may hurt a little."

866
00:42:51,904 --> 00:42:53,971
"This may cause you
some discomfort."

867
00:42:53,973 --> 00:42:56,273
But I've grown blunt.

868
00:42:56,275 --> 00:42:59,009
This workshop is not
a government-led program.

869
00:42:59,011 --> 00:43:02,546
It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself...

870
00:43:02,548 --> 00:43:06,083
into men of
extraordinary abilities.

871
00:43:07,553 --> 00:43:11,021
But if you think super-human
powers are acquired painlessly...

872
00:43:11,891 --> 00:43:13,290
Wrong.
(GROANS)

873
00:43:13,292 --> 00:43:14,959
I'm injecting you
with a serum...

874
00:43:14,961 --> 00:43:17,561
that activates any mutant
genes lurking in your DNA.

875
00:43:17,563 --> 00:43:21,565
For it to work we need to
subject you to extreme stress.

876
00:43:24,904 --> 00:43:27,071
(WADE GROANING)

877
00:43:27,073 --> 00:43:31,108
You've heard that whole "make an omelet,
break some eggs" bit, right?

878
00:43:31,110 --> 00:43:33,577
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.

879
00:43:33,579 --> 00:43:36,647
I was a patient here once
myself, you know.

880
00:43:36,649 --> 00:43:39,516
The treatment affects
everyone differently.

881
00:43:39,518 --> 00:43:42,653
It made Angel
inhumanly strong.

882
00:43:42,655 --> 00:43:47,258
In my case,
it enhanced my reflexes.

883
00:43:47,260 --> 00:43:50,294
Also scorched my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.

884
00:43:51,998 --> 00:43:55,933
And, in fact,
I no longer feel anything.

885
00:43:57,270 --> 00:43:58,936
(MUMBLING)

886
00:44:04,277 --> 00:44:07,344
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.

887
00:44:07,346 --> 00:44:10,080
You have something
in your teeth.

888
00:44:10,082 --> 00:44:12,283
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...

889
00:44:12,285 --> 00:44:15,386
A little nugget of romaine
lettuce or something.

890
00:44:15,388 --> 00:44:17,221
(SIGHS)

891
00:44:17,223 --> 00:44:19,690
It's been bothering me
for a long time.

892
00:44:19,692 --> 00:44:21,125
(LAUGHS)

893
00:44:21,127 --> 00:44:22,393
Ah, made you look.

894
00:44:22,395 --> 00:44:24,161
Hey, is Ajax
your actual name?

895
00:44:24,163 --> 00:44:25,996
Because it sounds
suspiciously made up.

896
00:44:25,998 --> 00:44:27,131
What is it, really?

897
00:44:27,133 --> 00:44:29,400
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?

898
00:44:29,402 --> 00:44:31,702
Mitch? The Rickster?

899
00:44:31,704 --> 00:44:33,570
(in British accent)
Is it Basil Fawlty?

900
00:44:33,572 --> 00:44:35,539
Oh, joke away.

901
00:44:35,541 --> 00:44:37,041
One thing that never
survives this place

902
00:44:37,043 --> 00:44:39,043
is a sense of humor.

903
00:44:39,045 --> 00:44:40,210
We'll see about that.

904
00:44:40,212 --> 00:44:41,578
I suppose we will.

905
00:44:43,049 --> 00:44:44,548
He's all yours.

906
00:44:44,550 --> 00:44:46,317
Oh, come on.

907
00:44:46,319 --> 00:44:47,718
You're gonna leave me
all alone here.

908
00:44:47,720 --> 00:44:49,486
With less-angry
Rosie O'Donnell?

909
00:44:50,056 --> 00:44:51,121
(GROANS)

910
00:44:53,726 --> 00:44:56,026
FRANCIS: <i>This is how
it's going to work.</i>

911
00:44:56,028 --> 00:44:59,530
<i>Adrenaline acts as a catalyst
for the serum...</i>

912
00:44:59,532 --> 00:45:02,199
<i>so we're going
to have to make you suffer.</i>

913
00:45:03,736 --> 00:45:05,736
FRANCIS: <i>If you're lucky,
the mutant genes will activate</i>

914
00:45:05,738 --> 00:45:08,672
<i>and manifest in
a spectacular fashion.</i>

915
00:45:09,675 --> 00:45:10,741
(GASPS)

916
00:45:13,045 --> 00:45:15,746
FRANCIS: <i>If not, well, we'll
have to keep on hurting you...</i>

917
00:45:15,748 --> 00:45:17,581
(WADE SHIVERING)

918
00:45:17,583 --> 00:45:19,016
<i>in new and different ways,</i>

919
00:45:19,018 --> 00:45:20,417
<i>each more painful
than the last...</i>

920
00:45:23,089 --> 00:45:25,422
until you finally mutate.

921
00:45:27,059 --> 00:45:28,292
Or die.

922
00:45:35,101 --> 00:45:36,633
CUNNINGHAM:
You mean a bucket list?

923
00:45:36,635 --> 00:45:39,103
WADE: Like a fuck-it list.

924
00:45:39,105 --> 00:45:40,371
I'd really like
to light a spliff

925
00:45:40,373 --> 00:45:42,306
off the Olympic torch.

926
00:45:42,308 --> 00:45:44,241
CUNNINGHAM: Pass it
to me right after.

927
00:45:44,243 --> 00:45:47,644
Let's not forget naked
tandem base-jumping

928
00:45:47,646 --> 00:45:51,248
with the WNBA's
Sacramento Monarchs.

929
00:45:51,250 --> 00:45:54,752
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.

930
00:45:54,754 --> 00:45:58,088
Finally, giving Meredith
Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.

931
00:45:58,090 --> 00:46:01,258
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.

932
00:46:01,660 --> 00:46:03,193
(LAUGHS)

933
00:46:05,731 --> 00:46:09,333
Making banana pancakes
for my kids.

934
00:46:12,638 --> 00:46:14,738
Vanessa.

935
00:46:18,277 --> 00:46:20,611
WADE: <i>I wanna see Vanessa.</i>

936
00:46:20,613 --> 00:46:22,146
FRANCIS: You're lovely.

937
00:46:22,148 --> 00:46:25,516
I don't know about
anyone else, but I'm touched.

938
00:46:25,518 --> 00:46:26,550
We were just joking.

939
00:46:26,552 --> 00:46:29,086
No, no. It's okay.

940
00:46:30,156 --> 00:46:32,523
I encourage distractions.

941
00:46:32,525 --> 00:46:34,825
Wouldn't want you giving up
on us, now would we?

942
00:46:34,827 --> 00:46:36,760
Hey, don't take any shit
from him, Cunningham.

943
00:46:37,696 --> 00:46:40,230
How tough can he be...

944
00:46:40,232 --> 00:46:43,233
with a name like Francis?

945
00:46:43,636 --> 00:46:45,169
Francis?

946
00:46:45,171 --> 00:46:47,171
WADE: That's his legal name.

947
00:46:47,173 --> 00:46:50,641
(CHUCKLING) He got "Ajax"
from the dish soap.

948
00:46:52,578 --> 00:46:56,346
F, R, A, N, C, I...

949
00:46:56,649 --> 00:46:58,215
Oops!

950
00:46:59,785 --> 00:47:02,753
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.

951
00:47:04,590 --> 00:47:07,191
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.

952
00:47:07,193 --> 00:47:08,559
You are so
relentlessly annoying.

953
00:47:08,561 --> 00:47:09,593
Thanks.

954
00:47:09,595 --> 00:47:11,228
Never heard that before.

955
00:47:11,230 --> 00:47:14,298
Why don't you do us all
a favor and shut the fuck up?

956
00:47:14,300 --> 00:47:16,366
Or I'll sew
your pretty mouth shut.

957
00:47:16,669 --> 00:47:18,135
Oh...

958
00:47:18,137 --> 00:47:19,736
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

959
00:47:19,738 --> 00:47:21,371
See, here's the problem with

960
00:47:21,373 --> 00:47:23,207
round-the-clock torture...

961
00:47:23,209 --> 00:47:26,243
is that you can't really
step it up from there.

962
00:47:28,681 --> 00:47:31,215
Is that what you think?

963
00:47:36,355 --> 00:47:38,822
If this doesn't unlock
your mutation, then, well...

964
00:47:39,625 --> 00:47:41,425
nothing will.

965
00:47:41,427 --> 00:47:42,943
Now, what we're going to do is

966
00:47:42,944 --> 00:47:44,460
lower the oxygen
concentration in the air...

967
00:47:44,463 --> 00:47:47,364
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.

968
00:47:47,366 --> 00:47:48,632
If your brainwaves slow,

969
00:47:48,634 --> 00:47:51,235
meaning you're
about to pass out...

970
00:47:51,237 --> 00:47:52,436
then we'll turn up the O2.

971
00:47:53,372 --> 00:47:54,771
If your heart rate slows...

972
00:47:54,773 --> 00:47:57,574
meaning you're able
to catch your breath...

973
00:47:57,576 --> 00:47:59,576
we'll turn it back down.

974
00:47:59,578 --> 00:48:01,245
And that's where
we'll leave you.

975
00:48:01,247 --> 00:48:03,614
Right there.

976
00:48:03,616 --> 00:48:05,883
Oh, and I thought
you guys were dicks before.

977
00:48:05,885 --> 00:48:09,219
FRANCIS: You know
the funniest part of this?

978
00:48:09,221 --> 00:48:12,389
You still think we're making
you a superhero.

979
00:48:12,391 --> 00:48:15,826
You. A dishonorable discharge.

980
00:48:16,529 --> 00:48:18,662
Hip-deep in hookers.

981
00:48:19,365 --> 00:48:20,931
You're nothing.

982
00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:24,268
Little secret, Wade.

983
00:48:24,270 --> 00:48:26,203
This workshop
doesn't make superheroes,

984
00:48:26,205 --> 00:48:29,406
we make super-slaves.

985
00:48:29,408 --> 00:48:31,241
We're gonna fit you
with a control collar

986
00:48:31,243 --> 00:48:33,810
and auction you off
to the highest bidder.

987
00:48:33,812 --> 00:48:36,213
Who knows what
they'll have you doing?

988
00:48:36,215 --> 00:48:39,616
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.

989
00:48:41,687 --> 00:48:44,955
Maybe just mow
the occasional lawn.

990
00:48:44,957 --> 00:48:47,624
What the fuck
is wrong with you?

991
00:48:52,765 --> 00:48:55,666
You're never going home
after this.

992
00:48:55,668 --> 00:48:57,901
Now there's a brave face.

993
00:48:58,837 --> 00:49:00,571
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.

994
00:49:02,775 --> 00:49:06,777
Seriously, you actually have
something in your teeth now.

995
00:49:08,647 --> 00:49:10,447
Enjoy your weekend.

996
00:49:10,449 --> 00:49:12,249
"Weekend"? Back up.

997
00:49:12,251 --> 00:49:13,483
Weekend?

998
00:49:14,286 --> 00:49:15,886
(MACHINE HISSING)

999
00:49:18,791 --> 00:49:20,390
(GASPING)

1000
00:49:20,392 --> 00:49:21,992
(CHOKING)

1001
00:49:30,469 --> 00:49:32,269
(EKG BEEPING)

1002
00:49:34,807 --> 00:49:36,473
(CHOKING)
(EKG BEEPING RAPIDLY)

1003
00:49:54,994 --> 00:49:57,294
WADE: <i>Did I say
this was a love story?</i>

1004
00:49:57,296 --> 00:49:59,696
<i>No, it's a horror movie.</i>

1005
00:50:00,366 --> 00:50:01,898
(SCREAMING)

1006
00:50:11,877 --> 00:50:14,511
(GASPING)

1007
00:50:16,048 --> 00:50:18,382
FRANCIS: Fucking hell.

1008
00:50:18,384 --> 00:50:21,652
Looks like someone lost his
shot at Homecoming King.

1009
00:50:21,654 --> 00:50:23,787
What have you done to me?

1010
00:50:23,789 --> 00:50:25,322
I've merely raised
your stress levels

1011
00:50:25,324 --> 00:50:27,057
high enough
to trigger a mutation.

1012
00:50:27,059 --> 00:50:29,926
You sadistic fuck!

1013
00:50:29,928 --> 00:50:32,396
I've cured you, Wade.

1014
00:50:32,398 --> 00:50:35,032
Now your mutated cells
can heal anything.

1015
00:50:35,034 --> 00:50:37,868
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.

1016
00:50:39,038 --> 00:50:41,738
Yeah, I've seen similar
side-effects before.

1017
00:50:42,941 --> 00:50:44,007
I could cure them...

1018
00:50:47,646 --> 00:50:49,446
but where's the fun in that?

1019
00:50:51,650 --> 00:50:54,351
Now, I'm gonna
shut you in again, Wade.

1020
00:50:55,921 --> 00:50:57,954
Not because I need to.

1021
00:51:01,827 --> 00:51:03,694
Because I want to.

1022
00:51:05,431 --> 00:51:07,564
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

1023
00:51:17,976 --> 00:51:19,576
Oh, well.

1024
00:51:19,578 --> 00:51:20,811
Go ahead.

1025
00:51:23,782 --> 00:51:25,649
Oh, you smell like shit.

1026
00:51:26,819 --> 00:51:28,852
(GRUNTS)
Whoa! (LAUGHS)

1027
00:51:28,854 --> 00:51:30,821
ANGEL DUST: Motherfucker.

1028
00:51:30,823 --> 00:51:32,789
Hey, hey, hey.
It's all right, it's all right.

1029
00:51:33,826 --> 00:51:35,826
I think we owe him
that one, yeah?

1030
00:51:35,828 --> 00:51:38,395
You take off. Go on.

1031
00:51:38,964 --> 00:51:40,497
Off you go.

1032
00:51:51,443 --> 00:51:53,009
Quick question.

1033
00:51:55,147 --> 00:51:57,414
What's my name?

1034
00:52:02,988 --> 00:52:04,521
Didn't think so.

1035
00:52:06,158 --> 00:52:09,025
WADE: <i>Sorry, Francis.
My lips are sealed.</i>

1036
00:52:09,027 --> 00:52:10,660
(GROANING)

1037
00:52:25,010 --> 00:52:27,177
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

1038
00:52:57,943 --> 00:52:59,142
(EXPLODING)

1039
00:53:08,921 --> 00:53:11,621
(MEN SCREAMING
IN THE DISTANCE)

1040
00:53:14,226 --> 00:53:15,892
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

1041
00:53:15,894 --> 00:53:17,494
(MAN COUGHING)

1042
00:53:31,210 --> 00:53:32,476
(BOTH GRUNTING)

1043
00:53:43,722 --> 00:53:45,255
(GROANS)

1044
00:53:48,260 --> 00:53:49,526
(GRUNTING)

1045
00:54:00,138 --> 00:54:01,204
(GROANING)

1046
00:54:05,544 --> 00:54:06,877
You don't want to kill me.

1047
00:54:06,879 --> 00:54:09,212
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.

1048
00:54:09,214 --> 00:54:10,780
(GRUNTING)

1049
00:54:19,758 --> 00:54:21,124
(LAUGHS)

1050
00:54:21,126 --> 00:54:22,692
(GRUNTING)

1051
00:54:24,897 --> 00:54:26,830
(GROANING)

1052
00:54:45,183 --> 00:54:46,583
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

1053
00:54:47,586 --> 00:54:49,085
(RETCHING)

1054
00:54:50,055 --> 00:54:51,988
(GRUNTS AND LAUGHS)

1055
00:54:55,260 --> 00:54:56,993
(GRUNTING)

1056
00:54:59,765 --> 00:55:01,798
(WADE BREATHING HEAVILY)

1057
00:55:05,938 --> 00:55:07,604
What's my name?

1058
00:55:13,679 --> 00:55:14,878
CUNNINGHAM: Wade.

1059
00:56:14,706 --> 00:56:15,939
(GROANS)

1060
00:56:22,114 --> 00:56:25,215
WADE: <i>I didn't just get</i>
<i>the cure to</i> el cancer...

1061
00:56:26,752 --> 00:56:29,352
<i>I got the cure</i>
<i>to</i> el <i>everything.</i>

1062
00:56:33,025 --> 00:56:35,258
<i>But there was
only one thing...</i>

1063
00:56:35,260 --> 00:56:37,027
<i>that really mattered.</i>

1064
00:56:39,965 --> 00:56:42,699
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

1065
00:56:48,707 --> 00:56:50,206
(THUNDER RUMBLING)

1066
00:56:58,316 --> 00:57:00,717
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

1067
00:57:01,987 --> 00:57:03,086
(INFANT CRYING)

1068
00:57:06,324 --> 00:57:07,390
WOMAN: Come on, let's go.

1069
00:57:12,864 --> 00:57:15,699
WOMAN: Oh, that must hurt.

1070
00:57:16,435 --> 00:57:18,935
Thank you so much.

1071
00:57:18,937 --> 00:57:20,937
(INDISTINCT
CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE)

1072
00:57:29,948 --> 00:57:32,182
God, he's so fucking gnarly.

1073
00:57:32,184 --> 00:57:33,750
WOMAN: Look at his face.

1074
00:57:33,752 --> 00:57:36,086
MAN: Oh, my God. Poor guy.

1075
00:57:36,088 --> 00:57:37,220
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN:
Honey, don't stare.

1076
00:57:37,222 --> 00:57:38,488
MALE PEDESTRIAN: Freak.

1077
00:57:38,490 --> 00:57:39,823
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

1078
00:57:39,825 --> 00:57:41,024
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

1079
00:57:58,844 --> 00:58:02,345
No way. I'm not making
her life as ugly as mine.

1080
00:58:02,347 --> 00:58:05,014
Come on, Wade,
it can't be that bad.

1081
00:58:05,016 --> 00:58:07,384
Ah, bullshit!

1082
00:58:07,385 --> 00:58:09,753
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.

1083
00:58:09,755 --> 00:58:12,288
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...

1084
00:58:12,290 --> 00:58:14,023
Oh! Oh.

1085
00:58:14,025 --> 00:58:15,191
Do you like what you see?

1086
00:58:15,193 --> 00:58:16,926
No.

1087
00:58:16,928 --> 00:58:18,394
You look like an avocado

1088
00:58:18,396 --> 00:58:20,964
had sex with an older,
more disgusting avocado.

1089
00:58:20,966 --> 00:58:22,132
Yeah.

1090
00:58:22,134 --> 00:58:24,200
Not gently.
Like it was hate-fucking.

1091
00:58:24,202 --> 00:58:26,136
There was something wrong
with the relationship...

1092
00:58:26,138 --> 00:58:28,071
and that was
the only catharsis

1093
00:58:28,073 --> 00:58:29,973
that they could find
without violence.

1094
00:58:29,975 --> 00:58:32,375
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...

1095
00:58:32,377 --> 00:58:35,211
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.

1096
00:58:35,213 --> 00:58:37,147
And he's gone. Poof!

1097
00:58:37,149 --> 00:58:38,982
Yeah, well you gotta do
something to remedy this...

1098
00:58:38,984 --> 00:58:40,116
because as of now,

1099
00:58:40,118 --> 00:58:42,018
you only have
one course of action.

1100
00:58:42,020 --> 00:58:43,253
Damn straight.

1101
00:58:43,255 --> 00:58:45,121
Find Francis.
Star in horror films.

1102
00:58:45,123 --> 00:58:46,222
What?

1103
00:58:46,224 --> 00:58:48,291
Star in your own horror films.

1104
00:58:48,293 --> 00:58:49,893
Because you look
like Freddy Krueger

1105
00:58:49,895 --> 00:58:53,129
face-fucked
a topographical map of Utah.

1106
00:58:53,131 --> 00:58:54,998
Here's what
I'm actually gonna do.

1107
00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:56,132
I'm gonna work
through his crew

1108
00:58:56,134 --> 00:58:58,118
until somebody
gives up Francis...

1109
00:58:58,119 --> 00:59:00,103
force him to fix this, then
put a bullet in his skull...

1110
00:59:00,105 --> 00:59:01,871
and fuck the brain hole.

1111
00:59:01,873 --> 00:59:05,008
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.

1112
00:59:05,010 --> 00:59:07,110
But the douchebag does
thinks you're dead, right?

1113
00:59:07,112 --> 00:59:08,378
Yeah.

1114
00:59:08,380 --> 00:59:09,913
That's good.
You should keep it that way.

1115
00:59:09,915 --> 00:59:11,514
What, like, wear a mask?

1116
00:59:11,516 --> 00:59:14,517
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.

1117
00:59:15,153 --> 00:59:16,286
I am sorry...

1118
00:59:16,288 --> 00:59:19,022
you are haunting.

1119
00:59:19,024 --> 00:59:21,024
Your face is
the stuff of nightmares.

1120
00:59:21,026 --> 00:59:22,325
Like a testicle with teeth.

1121
00:59:22,327 --> 00:59:24,160
You will die alone.

1122
00:59:24,162 --> 00:59:26,329
I mean, if you could die.

1123
00:59:26,331 --> 00:59:28,398
Ideally, for others' sake.

1124
00:59:28,400 --> 00:59:30,033
That'll do.

1125
00:59:30,035 --> 00:59:31,901
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...

1126
00:59:31,903 --> 00:59:34,137
like Wade the Wisecracker...

1127
00:59:34,139 --> 00:59:37,273
or Scaredevil,
Mr. Neverdie.

1128
00:59:37,909 --> 00:59:39,209
Oh, shit.

1129
00:59:39,578 --> 00:59:41,544
What?

1130
00:59:41,546 --> 00:59:43,580
I put all my money
on you and now...

1131
00:59:43,582 --> 00:59:45,181
I just realized
I'm never gonna win the, uh...

1132
00:59:45,183 --> 00:59:46,282
Dead pool.

1133
00:59:50,188 --> 00:59:52,488
Captain Deadpool...

1134
00:59:54,326 --> 00:59:55,458
No, just...

1135
00:59:55,460 --> 00:59:57,293
Just Deadpool, yeah.
Just Deadpool.

1136
00:59:57,295 --> 00:59:59,462
To you, Mr. Pool.

1137
00:59:59,464 --> 01:00:00,864
Deadpool.

1138
01:00:00,866 --> 01:00:02,165
That sounds like
a fucking franchise.

1139
01:00:02,167 --> 01:00:03,233
(GLASSES CLINK)

1140
01:00:16,581 --> 01:00:19,349
This shit's gonna
have nuts in it.

1141
01:00:19,351 --> 01:00:20,984
(MAN GROANS)
Where's Francis?

1142
01:00:21,353 --> 01:00:23,286
(GRUNTING)

1143
01:00:25,924 --> 01:00:27,090
(GUN FIRING)

1144
01:00:27,092 --> 01:00:28,291
(GROANING)

1145
01:00:32,931 --> 01:00:33,997
(SIGHS)

1146
01:00:34,966 --> 01:00:36,566
WADE: Where's Francis?

1147
01:00:44,976 --> 01:00:47,010
AL: Seltzer water
and lemon for blood.

1148
01:00:48,213 --> 01:00:51,180
Or wear red. Dumbass.

1149
01:00:56,655 --> 01:00:58,354
(ALL CHEERING)

1150
01:01:03,028 --> 01:01:04,594
(CLAMORING)

1151
01:01:07,265 --> 01:01:08,431
(GROANING)

1152
01:01:08,433 --> 01:01:09,699
(GUN FIRING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

1153
01:01:09,701 --> 01:01:11,334
WADE: Don't make me
ask twice.

1154
01:01:12,570 --> 01:01:14,137
Where...

1155
01:01:14,139 --> 01:01:16,673
is Francis?

1156
01:01:16,675 --> 01:01:18,508
He made me ask twice.

1157
01:01:18,510 --> 01:01:20,576
Is the mask muffling my voice?

1158
01:01:25,317 --> 01:01:26,950
Where's Francis?

1159
01:01:27,552 --> 01:01:29,419
(GUN FIRING)

1160
01:01:29,421 --> 01:01:31,354
Where the fuck is Francis?

1161
01:01:31,990 --> 01:01:33,056
(GROANING)

1162
01:01:36,294 --> 01:01:37,560
(GROANING)

1163
01:01:37,562 --> 01:01:40,029
(WADE LAUGHING)

1164
01:01:40,031 --> 01:01:43,333
You're about to be killed
by a Zamboni.

1165
01:01:43,335 --> 01:01:44,567
Where's Francis?

1166
01:01:44,569 --> 01:01:46,035
(WOMAN WHIMPERS)

1167
01:01:46,037 --> 01:01:47,670
No! Please!

1168
01:01:47,672 --> 01:01:50,606
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!

1169
01:01:50,608 --> 01:01:51,674
(WOMAN SCREAMS)

1170
01:01:51,676 --> 01:01:54,577
Oh! You little
spider monkey!

1171
01:01:54,579 --> 01:01:56,012
(TOILET FLUSHING)

1172
01:01:57,449 --> 01:02:01,050
Where... is... Francis?

1173
01:02:02,153 --> 01:02:03,353
This is confusing.

1174
01:02:03,355 --> 01:02:04,687
Is it sexist to hit you?

1175
01:02:04,689 --> 01:02:06,356
Is it more sexist
to not hit you?

1176
01:02:06,358 --> 01:02:08,725
I mean, the line
gets real... blurry.

1177
01:02:08,727 --> 01:02:09,747
(SPEAKING SPANISH)

1178
01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,000
WHERE IS FRANCIS?

1179
01:02:12,497 --> 01:02:14,564
Tell me where
your fucking boss is

1180
01:02:14,566 --> 01:02:16,432
or you're gonna die!

1181
01:02:16,434 --> 01:02:18,167
In five minutes!

1182
01:02:28,213 --> 01:02:30,113
(WHISPERS)
Don't hesitate to call me.

1183
01:02:45,530 --> 01:02:47,730
Nice to see you, Jared.

1184
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:50,633
I'll take the footlong...

1185
01:02:50,635 --> 01:02:51,701
Fully loaded.

1186
01:02:53,104 --> 01:02:54,270
(GRUNTING)
(GUNS FIRING)

1187
01:02:59,110 --> 01:03:00,309
(PANTING)

1188
01:03:02,414 --> 01:03:03,713
(GRUNTS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)

1189
01:03:05,784 --> 01:03:07,350
(GROANS) Whoa, whoa!

1190
01:03:07,352 --> 01:03:09,085
41 confirmed kills.

1191
01:03:09,087 --> 01:03:11,454
Now it's 89.
About to be 90.

1192
01:03:12,223 --> 01:03:13,356
Mr. Wilson?

1193
01:03:13,358 --> 01:03:14,457
Ding-ding.

1194
01:03:15,260 --> 01:03:17,560
You're looking
very alive.

1195
01:03:17,562 --> 01:03:19,829
Ha! Only on the outside!

1196
01:03:19,831 --> 01:03:21,497
This is not going to
end well for me, is it?

1197
01:03:21,499 --> 01:03:22,799
This is not gonna
end well for you, no.

1198
01:03:22,801 --> 01:03:24,167
Where's your boss?

1199
01:03:24,169 --> 01:03:25,668
I can tell you exactly...

1200
01:03:25,670 --> 01:03:27,437
(SHUSHING MOCKINGLY)

1201
01:03:27,439 --> 01:03:29,806
Oh, you'll tell me.
But first...

1202
01:03:29,808 --> 01:03:32,275
You might wanna
look away for this.

1203
01:03:32,277 --> 01:03:33,576
Now this little piggy
went to...

1204
01:03:33,578 --> 01:03:34,744
(AGENT SMITH SCREAMS)

1205
01:03:35,580 --> 01:03:38,081
WADE: Thank you, Agent Smith.

1206
01:03:41,519 --> 01:03:42,585
Taxi!

1207
01:03:44,122 --> 01:03:46,422
Hop in! Great day for a ride.

1208
01:03:46,424 --> 01:03:48,291
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

1209
01:03:48,293 --> 01:03:49,933
WADE: And we all know
how this turned out.

1210
01:03:52,564 --> 01:03:54,797
<i>Whoops!
You weren't meant to see that.</i>

1211
01:04:02,707 --> 01:04:04,874
There. All caught up.

1212
01:04:04,876 --> 01:04:06,542
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

1213
01:04:12,550 --> 01:04:15,151
We're here.

1214
01:04:15,153 --> 01:04:18,521
(GROANS) Sorry about
bleeding in all your garbage.

1215
01:04:20,859 --> 01:04:22,525
(GRUNTS)

1216
01:04:24,696 --> 01:04:26,796
Seltzer water and
lemon for blood.

1217
01:04:27,298 --> 01:04:28,865
Whoo!

1218
01:04:28,867 --> 01:04:31,567
Some kinds of anger
can't be managed...

1219
01:04:31,569 --> 01:04:33,736
like the kind where
your year-long plan

1220
01:04:33,738 --> 01:04:37,340
ends with the wrong guy
getting dismembered!

1221
01:04:37,342 --> 01:04:40,243
That said, when it comes time
to licking wounds,

1222
01:04:40,245 --> 01:04:42,478
there's no place like home.

1223
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:44,580
Ah, and I share that home
with someone you've met,

1224
01:04:44,582 --> 01:04:47,350
the old blind lady
from the laundromat, Al.

1225
01:04:47,352 --> 01:04:49,252
God, I miss cocaine.

1226
01:04:49,254 --> 01:04:51,738
Her.

1227
01:04:51,739 --> 01:04:54,223
(GASPS) Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.

1228
01:04:54,225 --> 01:04:57,326
That's like 16 walls.

1229
01:04:57,328 --> 01:04:58,794
She's like Robin to my Batman,

1230
01:04:58,796 --> 01:05:02,732
except she's old,
and black, and blind.

1231
01:05:02,734 --> 01:05:04,767
And I think
she's in love with me.

1232
01:05:04,769 --> 01:05:08,371
WADE: <i>Wait, pretty sure
Robin loves Batman, too.</i>

1233
01:05:08,373 --> 01:05:09,572
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

1234
01:05:13,878 --> 01:05:15,278
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

1235
01:05:16,814 --> 01:05:18,281
(AL GROANS)

1236
01:05:18,283 --> 01:05:19,348
WADE: Al?

1237
01:05:21,619 --> 01:05:23,219
Morning, sleepyhead.

1238
01:05:23,221 --> 01:05:24,520
(GRUNTS)

1239
01:05:24,522 --> 01:05:26,689
It smells like
old lady pants in here.

1240
01:05:26,691 --> 01:05:28,691
Yes, I'm old.
I wear pants.

1241
01:05:28,693 --> 01:05:30,560
But you're no lady.

1242
01:05:30,562 --> 01:05:33,829
Oh! So comfy.

1243
01:05:33,831 --> 01:05:36,899
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.

1244
01:05:36,901 --> 01:05:38,434
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?

1245
01:05:38,436 --> 01:05:39,936
AL: Yes, I know.

1246
01:05:39,938 --> 01:05:42,705
Downside of being blind...

1247
01:05:42,707 --> 01:05:45,274
I hear everything
in this duplex.

1248
01:05:45,276 --> 01:05:46,342
(GROANS)

1249
01:05:47,312 --> 01:05:48,544
Sit on a stick.

1250
01:05:48,546 --> 01:05:49,579
Bactin?

1251
01:05:49,581 --> 01:05:53,716
Yeah. Bactin should do it.

1252
01:05:54,786 --> 01:05:56,586
How's that Kullen
coming along?

1253
01:05:56,588 --> 01:05:58,688
IKEA doesn't assemble itself,
you know.

1254
01:05:58,690 --> 01:06:01,691
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.

1255
01:06:01,693 --> 01:06:04,327
It's an improvement
on the Hurdal.

1256
01:06:04,329 --> 01:06:06,862
Please. Anything's an
improvement over the Hurdal.

1257
01:06:06,864 --> 01:06:10,967
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.

1258
01:06:10,969 --> 01:06:13,836
Oh, no, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.

1259
01:06:13,838 --> 01:06:15,004
Screw, please.

1260
01:06:15,006 --> 01:06:16,572
Here? Now?
Just kidding.

1261
01:06:16,574 --> 01:06:17,740
I know it's been decades.

1262
01:06:17,742 --> 01:06:18,908
You'd be surprised.

1263
01:06:19,611 --> 01:06:20,776
Pretty grossed out.

1264
01:06:22,714 --> 01:06:25,281
(GROANS) Ta... Da.

1265
01:06:30,855 --> 01:06:34,490
I wish I never heard
of Craigslist.

1266
01:06:34,492 --> 01:06:35,758
And I quote,
"Looking for roommate,

1267
01:06:35,760 --> 01:06:37,026
"blind to
life's imperfections.

1268
01:06:37,028 --> 01:06:38,811
"Must be good with hands."

1269
01:06:38,812 --> 01:06:40,595
Or would you rather I build
the IKEA, and you pay rent?

1270
01:06:40,598 --> 01:06:42,565
Why such a douche
this morning?

1271
01:06:43,334 --> 01:06:45,034
Let's recap.

1272
01:06:45,035 --> 01:06:46,735
The cock thistle that
turned me into this freak...

1273
01:06:46,738 --> 01:06:48,537
slipped through
my arms today...

1274
01:06:50,008 --> 01:06:51,707
Arm.

1275
01:06:51,709 --> 01:06:53,042
Catching him was
my only chance

1276
01:06:53,044 --> 01:06:54,877
to be hot again,
get my super sexy ex back...

1277
01:06:54,879 --> 01:06:57,346
and prevent this shit from
happening to someone else.

1278
01:06:57,348 --> 01:06:59,348
So, yeah,
today was about as much fun

1279
01:06:59,350 --> 01:07:00,983
as a sandpaper dildo.

1280
01:07:01,753 --> 01:07:02,885
(WADE FARTS)

1281
01:07:02,887 --> 01:07:04,553


1282
01:07:21,906 --> 01:07:23,939
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.

1283
01:07:26,377 --> 01:07:29,045
Fucking Wade Wilson.

1284
01:07:29,047 --> 01:07:32,048
I suppose I'd wear a mask too
if I had a face like that.

1285
01:07:32,050 --> 01:07:33,716
I only wish I healed the same.

1286
01:07:37,655 --> 01:07:40,523
Still, we'll put him
out of our misery.

1287
01:07:40,525 --> 01:07:42,024
On our terms.

1288
01:07:42,026 --> 01:07:43,893
Right.
And when he heals?

1289
01:07:44,829 --> 01:07:46,028
He can't.

1290
01:07:46,030 --> 01:07:48,664
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.

1291
01:07:48,666 --> 01:07:52,702
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.

1292
01:07:54,005 --> 01:07:55,604
I like a challenge.

1293
01:07:56,841 --> 01:07:58,974
But he's bad
for business.

1294
01:07:58,976 --> 01:08:00,810
Now let's go
find him.

1295
01:08:01,679 --> 01:08:02,745
Oh.

1296
01:08:03,681 --> 01:08:05,114
(WADE GRUNTS SLOWLY)

1297
01:08:05,116 --> 01:08:06,716
Tylenol PM?

1298
01:08:06,718 --> 01:08:09,618
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.

1299
01:08:09,620 --> 01:08:11,987
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...

1300
01:08:11,989 --> 01:08:16,058
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.

1301
01:08:16,961 --> 01:08:18,861
(SIGHS)

1302
01:08:18,863 --> 01:08:21,831
But I appreciate the gesture.

1303
01:08:21,833 --> 01:08:26,435
Am I crazy,
or is your hand really small?

1304
01:08:26,437 --> 01:08:28,471
About the size of
a KFC spork.

1305
01:08:28,473 --> 01:08:30,373
Ugh.

1306
01:08:30,375 --> 01:08:32,608
I get why you're so pissy...

1307
01:08:32,610 --> 01:08:34,143
but your mood's
never gonna brighten

1308
01:08:34,145 --> 01:08:35,611
till you find this woman...

1309
01:08:35,613 --> 01:08:36,979
and tell her how you feel.

1310
01:08:36,981 --> 01:08:38,681
What do I keep telling you,
Mrs. Magoo?

1311
01:08:38,683 --> 01:08:40,516
She wouldn't have me.

1312
01:08:40,518 --> 01:08:42,151
If you could see me,
you'd understand.

1313
01:08:42,153 --> 01:08:43,486
Looks aren't everything.

1314
01:08:43,488 --> 01:08:44,620
Looks are everything.

1315
01:08:44,622 --> 01:08:46,722
You ever heard
David Beckham speak?

1316
01:08:46,724 --> 01:08:49,058
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.

1317
01:08:49,060 --> 01:08:50,626
You think Ryan Reynolds
got this far

1318
01:08:50,628 --> 01:08:52,495
on his superior acting method?

1319
01:08:52,497 --> 01:08:53,763
Love is blind, Wade.

1320
01:08:53,765 --> 01:08:54,830
No.

1321
01:08:55,867 --> 01:08:57,800
You're blind.

1322
01:08:57,802 --> 01:09:00,770
So, you're just gonna
lie there and whimper?

1323
01:09:00,772 --> 01:09:02,872
No, I'm gonna wait till this
arm plows through puberty...

1324
01:09:02,874 --> 01:09:03,906
and then I'm gonna
come up with

1325
01:09:03,908 --> 01:09:05,108
a whole new
Christmas Day plan.

1326
01:09:05,810 --> 01:09:07,076
In the meantime,

1327
01:09:07,078 --> 01:09:09,078
you might wanna
leave the room.

1328
01:09:09,080 --> 01:09:11,680
I bet it feels huge
in this hand.

1329
01:09:12,917 --> 01:09:16,085
Go, go, go.

1330
01:09:16,087 --> 01:09:17,887
WEASEL: So, the doctor says,
"The bad news is

1331
01:09:17,889 --> 01:09:19,339
"you don't have
that long to live."

1332
01:09:19,340 --> 01:09:20,790
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"

1333
01:09:20,792 --> 01:09:22,758
The doctor says, "Five."

1334
01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:24,493
The guy says, "Five what?"

1335
01:09:24,495 --> 01:09:27,696
And the doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."

1336
01:09:27,698 --> 01:09:28,898
(ALL LAUGHING)

1337
01:09:35,540 --> 01:09:37,039
Can I help you ladies?

1338
01:09:39,677 --> 01:09:40,843
Oh, I do hope so.

1339
01:09:44,949 --> 01:09:46,582
I heard you might be
able to point me

1340
01:09:46,584 --> 01:09:49,685
in the direction
of a, um, friend of mine.

1341
01:09:49,687 --> 01:09:50,753
Name of Wade Wilson.

1342
01:09:52,123 --> 01:09:53,456
Sorry.

1343
01:09:53,458 --> 01:09:54,990
I don't know the name.

1344
01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:04,733
Hey, you're not supposed
to be behind the bar.

1345
01:10:08,239 --> 01:10:10,206
I've seen this girl.

1346
01:10:10,208 --> 01:10:11,707
FRANCIS:
Ah, this must be Vanessa.

1347
01:10:11,709 --> 01:10:12,908
I've heard so much about you.

1348
01:10:13,544 --> 01:10:14,610
(GROANING)

1349
01:10:17,114 --> 01:10:19,882
Um, sweetheart,
you might wanna look around.

1350
01:10:19,884 --> 01:10:22,651
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.

1351
01:10:23,888 --> 01:10:25,721
Easy, Angel.

1352
01:10:25,723 --> 01:10:27,089
Put the little man down.

1353
01:10:28,693 --> 01:10:30,826
We have everything
we need now.

1354
01:10:30,828 --> 01:10:32,628
You sure?

1355
01:10:32,630 --> 01:10:35,731
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?

1356
01:10:35,733 --> 01:10:38,534
Have fun at your midnight
showing of <i>Blade II.</i>

1357
01:10:40,605 --> 01:10:42,004
Whoo.

1358
01:10:42,006 --> 01:10:43,839
Thanks for having
my back, guys.

1359
01:10:48,779 --> 01:10:51,146
Wade, we have
a fucking problem.

1360
01:10:51,148 --> 01:10:53,916
And by "we," I mean "you."

1361
01:10:53,918 --> 01:10:56,051
Ah, I can't believe
I'm doing this.

1362
01:10:56,053 --> 01:10:58,988
Is there a word for
half afraid, half angry?

1363
01:10:58,990 --> 01:11:01,156
Yeah, "afrangry",
I guess.

1364
01:11:01,158 --> 01:11:03,025
Have you decided what
you're gonna say to her?

1365
01:11:03,027 --> 01:11:04,293
Fuck me!

1366
01:11:04,295 --> 01:11:06,295
Uh, maybe not
start with that.

1367
01:11:06,297 --> 01:11:08,130
(TRAP MUSIC PLAYING)

1368
01:11:12,136 --> 01:11:15,604
<i>Hey, coming onto
our stage right now...</i>

1369
01:11:15,606 --> 01:11:17,806
<i>give it up for Chastity!</i>

1370
01:11:17,808 --> 01:11:19,108
(ALL CHEERING)

1371
01:11:21,612 --> 01:11:23,913
Or as I like
to call her, Irony.

1372
01:11:23,915 --> 01:11:26,048
Better find her fast
before numbnuts does.

1373
01:11:26,050 --> 01:11:27,683
How do you know
she's in here?

1374
01:11:27,685 --> 01:11:30,853
Because I'm constantly
stalking that fox.

1375
01:11:44,902 --> 01:11:48,704
(MUSIC FADES OUT)

1376
01:11:55,813 --> 01:12:00,082
WADE: <i>Every time I see her,
it's like the first time...</i>

1377
01:12:00,084 --> 01:12:02,284
<i>Especially from this angle.</i>

1378
01:12:21,372 --> 01:12:22,705
(MUSIC FADES IN)

1379
01:12:22,707 --> 01:12:23,906
(MEN CHEERING)

1380
01:12:25,810 --> 01:12:27,109
ANNOUNCER: <i>You can't buy love,</i>

1381
01:12:27,111 --> 01:12:29,912
<i>but you can rent it
for three minutes.</i>

1382
01:12:31,015 --> 01:12:32,081
(EXHALES)

1383
01:12:32,850 --> 01:12:35,651
Ah, you weak motherfucker!

1384
01:12:36,220 --> 01:12:37,286
Come on!

1385
01:12:38,389 --> 01:12:39,855
Come on, get it together.

1386
01:12:39,857 --> 01:12:41,924
This isn't about me,
this is about Vanessa.

1387
01:12:45,963 --> 01:12:47,296
Here we go.

1388
01:12:49,900 --> 01:12:51,667
Maximum effort.

1389
01:12:55,006 --> 01:12:56,171
Vanessa.

1390
01:12:58,743 --> 01:13:00,743
Someone out back
asking for you.

1391
01:13:00,745 --> 01:13:02,911
Something about, uh,
an old boyfriend.

1392
01:13:30,141 --> 01:13:31,273
I knew it was you.

1393
01:13:33,077 --> 01:13:35,110
The weird,
curvy edges.

1394
01:13:36,681 --> 01:13:38,414
Like a jigsaw puzzle.

1395
01:13:48,426 --> 01:13:50,392
You have Wade Wilson
to thank for this.

1396
01:13:53,097 --> 01:13:54,163
(VANESSA GROANS)

1397
01:13:59,336 --> 01:14:01,070
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?

1398
01:14:01,072 --> 01:14:03,038
Uh, I saw her
head to the back.

1399
01:14:03,040 --> 01:14:04,406
Go get her, tiger.

1400
01:14:27,364 --> 01:14:29,865
(SOFTLY) Fuck. Fuck!

1401
01:14:32,369 --> 01:14:34,203
Motherfucker!

1402
01:14:34,205 --> 01:14:35,337
Wait, wait.
Let's... Just...

1403
01:14:35,339 --> 01:14:36,405
Cock juggling...

1404
01:14:36,406 --> 01:14:37,472
We can talk about
what we're gonna...

1405
01:14:37,475 --> 01:14:38,507
Jiminy! Fuck face!

1406
01:14:38,509 --> 01:14:39,942
Okay, or you
can hit that.

1407
01:14:39,944 --> 01:14:41,844
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck! Fuck!

1408
01:14:41,846 --> 01:14:43,212
No, no.
All right. Hey!

1409
01:14:43,214 --> 01:14:44,980
Fuck! Fuck!

1410
01:14:44,982 --> 01:14:46,515
Fuck!
Hey, um...

1411
01:14:46,517 --> 01:14:49,118
Whoa! Whoa!
Relax. Relax. Okay.

1412
01:14:49,120 --> 01:14:50,419
Okay. I think
that's a good start.

1413
01:14:50,421 --> 01:14:52,488
Oh, I'm gonna rip
his motherfucking...

1414
01:14:52,490 --> 01:14:53,756
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Wait.

1415
01:14:53,758 --> 01:14:55,224
Find it! Find it.
What?

1416
01:14:55,226 --> 01:14:57,092
I'm gonna get angry.
Okay. All right.

1417
01:14:57,094 --> 01:14:58,961
All right. Okay. All right.

1418
01:14:58,963 --> 01:15:00,262
Here. This is Vanessa.

1419
01:15:00,264 --> 01:15:02,297
What?
No, wait. It's Francis.

1420
01:15:02,299 --> 01:15:05,100
He wants you
to come to him.

1421
01:15:05,102 --> 01:15:06,869
What is that?
That's the shit emoji.

1422
01:15:06,871 --> 01:15:09,004
You know, it's the turd with
the smiling face and the eyes?

1423
01:15:09,006 --> 01:15:11,340
I thought it was chocolate
yogurt for so long.

1424
01:15:12,042 --> 01:15:13,275
I need guns.

1425
01:15:13,277 --> 01:15:14,409
Okay, which ones?

1426
01:15:14,411 --> 01:15:15,544
I need all the guns!

1427
01:15:15,546 --> 01:15:17,012
All right. Okay.

1428
01:15:17,014 --> 01:15:18,514
(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)

1429
01:15:37,468 --> 01:15:39,101
That's about 3,000 rounds.

1430
01:15:40,037 --> 01:15:42,404
We all know
what I can do with 12.

1431
01:15:42,406 --> 01:15:44,573
Hey, hey, careful with that,
Ronnie Milsap!

1432
01:15:44,575 --> 01:15:45,941
We're downrange.

1433
01:15:47,211 --> 01:15:48,877
I was gonna
spend the night

1434
01:15:48,879 --> 01:15:52,014
assembling the Borje,
but this is holding my interest.

1435
01:15:52,016 --> 01:15:54,917
I told you, we're going with
the Urvaj, not the Borje.

1436
01:15:54,919 --> 01:15:56,919
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.

1437
01:15:56,921 --> 01:15:59,588
Shit. That's all the pieces
in the house.

1438
01:15:59,590 --> 01:16:01,924
Nah, nah... Come on.
Let's go. Cough it up.

1439
01:16:01,926 --> 01:16:03,392
Up, up, up.

1440
01:16:04,428 --> 01:16:05,961
Oh. Down, down, down.

1441
01:16:05,963 --> 01:16:07,029
Fuck you.

1442
01:16:08,833 --> 01:16:11,533
.45 cal. I like it.

1443
01:16:13,571 --> 01:16:15,003
Wade...

1444
01:16:16,106 --> 01:16:18,974
I'd go with you,
but I don't want to.

1445
01:16:22,046 --> 01:16:23,345
Uh...

1446
01:16:23,347 --> 01:16:24,546
Listen, Al...

1447
01:16:25,516 --> 01:16:28,183
if I never see
you again,

1448
01:16:28,185 --> 01:16:31,620
I want you to know that
I love you very much.

1449
01:16:31,622 --> 01:16:35,490
And also, uh, there's
about 116 kilos of cocaine

1450
01:16:35,492 --> 01:16:37,025
buried somewhere
in the apartment...

1451
01:16:37,027 --> 01:16:39,862
right next to the cure
for blindness. Good luck.

1452
01:16:45,202 --> 01:16:46,635
You wanna get fucked up?

1453
01:16:46,637 --> 01:16:48,303
(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)

1454
01:16:51,542 --> 01:16:54,076
(MAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.)

1455
01:16:54,945 --> 01:16:56,511
(MUMBLING)

1456
01:16:56,513 --> 01:16:58,180
Put her down
over here.

1457
01:16:59,650 --> 01:17:00,916
(WHIMPERS)

1458
01:17:03,420 --> 01:17:05,187
(MUMBLING CONTINUES)

1459
01:17:08,259 --> 01:17:09,491
Go on then.

1460
01:17:11,996 --> 01:17:14,997
Thanks, dickless.
And I mean you.

1461
01:17:14,999 --> 01:17:18,300
Wow. You're a talker too.
You and Wade.

1462
01:17:18,302 --> 01:17:20,135
I've been trying
to tell you assholes,

1463
01:17:20,137 --> 01:17:21,536
you've got the wrong girl.

1464
01:17:21,538 --> 01:17:23,238
My old boyfriend,
he's dead.

1465
01:17:23,240 --> 01:17:27,009
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.

1466
01:17:27,011 --> 01:17:28,277
Like a cockroach...

1467
01:17:28,279 --> 01:17:30,545
but uglier.

1468
01:17:30,547 --> 01:17:35,183
Now, I may not feel,
but he does.

1469
01:17:35,185 --> 01:17:37,225
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.

1470
01:17:46,063 --> 01:17:47,529
Ripley, from <i>Alien 3!</i>

1471
01:17:48,165 --> 01:17:50,132
Fuck, you're old.

1472
01:17:50,134 --> 01:17:51,566
(CACKLES)

1473
01:17:51,568 --> 01:17:54,036
Fake laugh.
Hiding real pain.

1474
01:17:54,038 --> 01:17:55,370
Go get Silver Balls.

1475
01:17:55,372 --> 01:17:57,940
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?

1476
01:17:57,942 --> 01:17:59,174
Oh, like there's
something wrong

1477
01:17:59,176 --> 01:18:00,709
with eating before sundown
or saving money.

1478
01:18:00,711 --> 01:18:04,246
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?

1479
01:18:04,682 --> 01:18:06,615
He's got my girl.

1480
01:18:06,617 --> 01:18:08,450
You're gonna
help me get her back.

1481
01:18:08,452 --> 01:18:10,352
COLOSSUS: Wade, is that you?

1482
01:18:10,354 --> 01:18:12,020
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,

1483
01:18:12,022 --> 01:18:14,957
and I got an offer
that you can't refuse.

1484
01:18:17,461 --> 01:18:18,560
I'm gonna wait
out here, okay?

1485
01:18:18,562 --> 01:18:20,128
It's a big house.

1486
01:18:20,130 --> 01:18:21,964
It's funny that I only
ever see two of you.

1487
01:18:21,966 --> 01:18:24,247
It's almost like the studio
couldn't afford another X-Man.

1488
01:18:27,604 --> 01:18:29,237
WADE: And that is why,
in my opinion...

1489
01:18:29,239 --> 01:18:32,975
the movie <i>Cocoon</i>
is pure pornography.

1490
01:18:32,977 --> 01:18:34,643
Who brought
this twinkly man?

1491
01:18:34,645 --> 01:18:36,745
Twinkly, but deadly.

1492
01:18:36,747 --> 01:18:39,348
My chrome-penised
friend back there

1493
01:18:39,350 --> 01:18:41,450
has agreed
to do me this solid.

1494
01:18:41,452 --> 01:18:43,452
In exchange,
I said that I would

1495
01:18:43,454 --> 01:18:45,487
consider joining his boy band.

1496
01:18:45,489 --> 01:18:46,755
It's not boy band.

1497
01:18:46,757 --> 01:18:48,590
Sure it's not.

1498
01:18:48,592 --> 01:18:51,626
(SIGHS LOUDLY) So,
any luck winning Gita back?

1499
01:18:51,628 --> 01:18:54,229
I tried to hold on tight,
Mr. Pool...

1500
01:18:54,231 --> 01:18:58,467
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.

1501
01:18:58,469 --> 01:19:00,302
Well, I think you're
pretty darn cute.

1502
01:19:02,339 --> 01:19:03,538
(MAN SCREAMS)

1503
01:19:03,540 --> 01:19:04,780
(PUNJABI MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)

1504
01:19:06,143 --> 01:19:07,709
Dopinder.
Hmm?

1505
01:19:09,113 --> 01:19:10,178
What was that?

1506
01:19:10,748 --> 01:19:12,147
Uh...

1507
01:19:12,149 --> 01:19:17,719
That was Bandhu
in the trunk.

1508
01:19:18,389 --> 01:19:20,456
Ban who?

1509
01:19:20,457 --> 01:19:22,524
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.

1510
01:19:22,526 --> 01:19:24,292
I'm doing as you said, DP.

1511
01:19:24,294 --> 01:19:26,294
I plan to gut him
like a tandoori fish,

1512
01:19:26,296 --> 01:19:28,196
then dump his carcass
on Gita's doorstep.

1513
01:19:29,400 --> 01:19:31,166
I did not tell him
to do that.

1514
01:19:31,168 --> 01:19:33,769
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.

1515
01:19:33,771 --> 01:19:37,172
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!

1516
01:19:37,174 --> 01:19:38,807
(WHISPERS)
I'm so proud of you.

1517
01:19:38,808 --> 01:19:40,441
Drop Bandhu off,
safe and gentle-like.

1518
01:19:40,444 --> 01:19:41,510
(WHISPERS) Kill him.

1519
01:19:41,512 --> 01:19:43,678
And then,
win Gita back...

1520
01:19:43,680 --> 01:19:46,548
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.

1521
01:19:46,550 --> 01:19:48,150
(WHISPERS) Kidnap her.

1522
01:19:49,453 --> 01:19:50,652
He's super dead.

1523
01:19:51,188 --> 01:19:52,254
Whoa!

1524
01:19:56,160 --> 01:19:57,692
I presume a crisp
high five?

1525
01:19:57,694 --> 01:20:00,562
For you? 10.

1526
01:20:00,564 --> 01:20:03,432
Okay, guys, let's get out there
and make a difference.

1527
01:20:03,434 --> 01:20:05,400
(WHISPERS)
You know what to do.

1528
01:20:06,303 --> 01:20:09,071
Knock 'em dead,
Pool Boy!

1529
01:20:10,174 --> 01:20:12,240
Time to make
the chimi-fuckin'-changas.

1530
01:20:13,577 --> 01:20:15,310
WADE: <i>Not often
a dude ruins your face...</i>

1531
01:20:15,312 --> 01:20:18,313
<i>skull-stomps your sanity,
grabs your future baby mama...</i>

1532
01:20:18,315 --> 01:20:20,082
<i>and personally sees to four</i>

1533
01:20:20,084 --> 01:20:22,484
<i>of your five
shittiest moments.</i>

1534
01:20:22,486 --> 01:20:26,688
<i>Let's just say it's beginning
to look a lot like Christmas.</i>

1535
01:20:39,603 --> 01:20:41,103
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey.

1536
01:20:41,105 --> 01:20:42,404
Where's your duffle bag?

1537
01:20:43,740 --> 01:20:45,273
(PHONE RINGING)

1538
01:20:46,510 --> 01:20:50,378
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

1539
01:20:54,585 --> 01:20:55,717
(TRUCK HONKING)

1540
01:20:56,453 --> 01:20:57,586
(TIRES SCREECHING)

1541
01:20:57,588 --> 01:20:59,421
(THUDS)
(BANDHU SCREAMS)

1542
01:21:01,225 --> 01:21:04,192
DOPINDER: Bandhu?

1543
01:21:04,194 --> 01:21:06,261
DOPINDER: <i>Leave a message
and have a happy day.</i>

1544
01:21:06,263 --> 01:21:07,629
God damn it!

1545
01:21:07,631 --> 01:21:09,397
I'm gonna do this
the old fashioned way...

1546
01:21:09,399 --> 01:21:12,834
with two swords
and maximum effort.

1547
01:21:13,770 --> 01:21:14,870
Cue the music.

1548
01:21:14,872 --> 01:21:17,172
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

1549
01:21:25,282 --> 01:21:26,581
(MUSIC STOPS)

1550
01:21:30,921 --> 01:21:33,922
FRANCIS: Wade Wilson!

1551
01:21:33,924 --> 01:21:35,657
What's my name?

1552
01:21:35,659 --> 01:21:37,859
Oh, I'mma fuckin'
spell it out for ya.

1553
01:21:40,230 --> 01:21:41,363
Go get some.

1554
01:21:41,365 --> 01:21:42,531
Superhero landing.

1555
01:21:42,533 --> 01:21:43,665
She's gonna do
a superhero landing.

1556
01:21:43,667 --> 01:21:44,733
Wait for it.

1557
01:21:47,938 --> 01:21:49,237
WADE: Whoo!

1558
01:21:49,239 --> 01:21:50,805
Superhero landing!

1559
01:21:50,807 --> 01:21:52,307
You know, that's really
hard on your knees.

1560
01:21:52,309 --> 01:21:54,276
Totally impractical.
They all do it.

1561
01:21:54,278 --> 01:21:57,546
You're a lovely lady, but
I'm saving myself for Francis.

1562
01:21:57,548 --> 01:21:58,847
That's why
I brought him.

1563
01:21:58,849 --> 01:22:02,184
I prefer not to hit a woman,
so please...

1564
01:22:03,554 --> 01:22:05,587
(GROANS)

1565
01:22:09,293 --> 01:22:12,394
I mean,
that's why I brought her?

1566
01:22:13,797 --> 01:22:15,964
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...

1567
01:22:15,966 --> 01:22:17,666
Just give us a second.
Yeah.

1568
01:22:17,668 --> 01:22:19,201
There you go.
Hashtag it.

1569
01:22:20,437 --> 01:22:22,370
Go get her, tiger.

1570
01:22:23,540 --> 01:22:25,407
(GROANS)

1571
01:22:28,845 --> 01:22:32,681
Oh, I so pity the dude who
pressures her into prom sex.

1572
01:22:33,417 --> 01:22:35,217
All right, then. Fire!

1573
01:22:35,219 --> 01:22:36,651
(GUNS FIRING)

1574
01:22:42,893 --> 01:22:43,959
(GRUNTS)

1575
01:22:46,630 --> 01:22:48,363
Finish fucking her
the fuck up!

1576
01:22:48,365 --> 01:22:49,464
Language, please.

1577
01:22:49,466 --> 01:22:50,699
Suck a cock.

1578
01:22:50,701 --> 01:22:52,267
(BOTH GRUNTING)

1579
01:23:16,627 --> 01:23:18,426
Look away, child.

1580
01:23:18,929 --> 01:23:20,462
Look away!

1581
01:23:21,031 --> 01:23:22,530
(SCREAMING)

1582
01:23:27,671 --> 01:23:29,004
WADE: Wait!

1583
01:23:29,006 --> 01:23:30,338
Wait!

1584
01:23:30,340 --> 01:23:31,373
Cease fire!

1585
01:23:31,375 --> 01:23:32,674
Cease fire!

1586
01:23:32,676 --> 01:23:34,309
WADE: Fellas! Hey! Hey!

1587
01:23:35,545 --> 01:23:39,381
You only work for that
shit-spackled muppet fart.

1588
01:23:39,383 --> 01:23:41,549
So, I'mma give you a chance

1589
01:23:41,551 --> 01:23:43,418
for y'all to lay down
your firearms...

1590
01:23:43,420 --> 01:23:46,488
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...

1591
01:23:46,490 --> 01:23:50,058
possibly even
lover-like treatment.

1592
01:23:50,060 --> 01:23:51,893
(GUNS FIRING)

1593
01:23:51,895 --> 01:23:53,061
Fine.

1594
01:23:53,063 --> 01:23:54,362
Commando!

1595
01:23:55,032 --> 01:23:56,598
(GRUNTING)

1596
01:24:02,939 --> 01:24:04,372
(EXHALING)

1597
01:24:04,975 --> 01:24:06,474
(GRUNTING)

1598
01:24:08,545 --> 01:24:09,644
(COLOSSUS GRUNTS)

1599
01:24:09,646 --> 01:24:10,712
(ANGEL DUST GROANS)

1600
01:24:14,951 --> 01:24:16,584
(BOTH GRUNTING)

1601
01:24:29,066 --> 01:24:30,332
(GROWLS)

1602
01:24:30,701 --> 01:24:31,800
(MEN GROANING)

1603
01:24:46,850 --> 01:24:47,916
(GRUNTING)

1604
01:25:06,370 --> 01:25:07,502
Teabag!

1605
01:25:11,875 --> 01:25:12,941
Bob?

1606
01:25:13,877 --> 01:25:15,127
Wade?

1607
01:25:15,128 --> 01:25:16,378
Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since...

1608
01:25:16,380 --> 01:25:18,680
Jacksonville. Fridays.
Since TGI Fridays.

1609
01:25:19,483 --> 01:25:21,716
Well, what the hell!

1610
01:25:21,718 --> 01:25:23,385
God, come here, you.

1611
01:25:23,653 --> 01:25:25,453
(GRUNTS)

1612
01:25:25,455 --> 01:25:27,856
How are the kids?
Good?

1613
01:25:27,858 --> 01:25:29,691
And Gail, she still fixing
that tuna casserole?

1614
01:25:29,693 --> 01:25:31,526
So good.
But bad for the waistline,

1615
01:25:31,528 --> 01:25:32,888
if you know what
I'm talking about.

1616
01:25:37,167 --> 01:25:39,401
Oh! (CLEARS THROAT)

1617
01:25:39,403 --> 01:25:42,737
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.

1618
01:25:42,739 --> 01:25:44,005
That is so sweet.

1619
01:25:44,007 --> 01:25:45,140
Uh...

1620
01:25:45,142 --> 01:25:46,408
Thanks.

1621
01:25:46,676 --> 01:25:47,742
(GRUNTS)

1622
01:25:51,648 --> 01:25:52,714
(GROANS)

1623
01:25:58,488 --> 01:25:59,254
WADE: Yoo-hoo!

1624
01:25:59,255 --> 01:26:00,021
FRANCIS: Does he
write you notes too?

1625
01:26:00,023 --> 01:26:02,424
He's such a romantic.

1626
01:26:02,426 --> 01:26:03,826
WADE: Don't worry, baby.
I'm comin'.

1627
01:26:05,028 --> 01:26:06,561
Fire!

1628
01:26:06,563 --> 01:26:07,829
(GUNS FIRING)

1629
01:26:13,770 --> 01:26:15,537
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey!

1630
01:26:15,539 --> 01:26:16,604
Climb on!

1631
01:26:18,108 --> 01:26:20,175
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

1632
01:26:27,717 --> 01:26:28,783
(SCREAMING)

1633
01:26:34,691 --> 01:26:36,191
(GROANING)

1634
01:26:53,577 --> 01:26:55,076
Motherfucking...

1635
01:27:06,490 --> 01:27:08,957
Motherfucker should have
worn his brown pants.

1636
01:27:11,728 --> 01:27:12,927
You were right,
beautiful.

1637
01:27:13,763 --> 01:27:15,630
Red really is my color.

1638
01:27:16,132 --> 01:27:17,265
Wade?

1639
01:27:17,267 --> 01:27:18,733
Don't worry, baby...

1640
01:27:18,735 --> 01:27:21,135
I'mma get you out
of that shit-box.

1641
01:27:21,137 --> 01:27:23,571
What better way to crawl back
inside that head of yours?

1642
01:27:23,573 --> 01:27:25,507
Oh, you never left.

1643
01:27:25,509 --> 01:27:27,642
But you did, asshole!

1644
01:27:27,644 --> 01:27:29,077
Ah, deep breath, darling.

1645
01:27:30,647 --> 01:27:31,813
Oh, wait.

1646
01:27:32,849 --> 01:27:34,549
Wrong choice of words.

1647
01:27:35,585 --> 01:27:37,585
(CHOKING)

1648
01:27:37,586 --> 01:27:39,586
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.

1649
01:27:39,589 --> 01:27:40,722
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!

1650
01:27:41,992 --> 01:27:44,626
I hear you grow back
body parts now, Wade.

1651
01:27:44,628 --> 01:27:45,727
When I'm finished...

1652
01:27:45,729 --> 01:27:47,629
parts will have
to grow back you.

1653
01:27:47,631 --> 01:27:48,796
Good one.

1654
01:27:49,666 --> 01:27:51,599
Yep, that was a good one.

1655
01:27:51,601 --> 01:27:52,667
Let's dance.

1656
01:27:53,904 --> 01:27:55,136
And by dance, I mean...

1657
01:27:55,138 --> 01:27:56,771
let's try to kill each other.

1658
01:27:56,773 --> 01:27:58,106
(GRUNTING)
(METAL CLANKING)

1659
01:28:06,149 --> 01:28:07,815
(GASPING)

1660
01:28:07,817 --> 01:28:08,983
(GRUNTING)

1661
01:28:13,890 --> 01:28:14,956
(GROANS)

1662
01:28:33,310 --> 01:28:34,742
(COLOSSUS GROANING)

1663
01:28:38,682 --> 01:28:39,881
(CHOKING)

1664
01:28:50,961 --> 01:28:53,361
Fine. Fists.

1665
01:28:53,363 --> 01:28:55,597
Oh, sounds like
your last Saturday night.

1666
01:28:55,599 --> 01:28:56,998
(GRUNTING)

1667
01:29:22,025 --> 01:29:23,358
(GROANING)

1668
01:29:35,639 --> 01:29:36,904
(GRUNTING)

1669
01:29:41,978 --> 01:29:43,911
(VANESSA GROANS)

1670
01:30:17,180 --> 01:30:19,280
Asshole!

1671
01:30:25,755 --> 01:30:26,854
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)

1672
01:30:27,323 --> 01:30:28,890
(GROANS)

1673
01:30:37,100 --> 01:30:38,733
(GRUNTING)

1674
01:30:47,477 --> 01:30:48,743
(EXPLODING)

1675
01:30:58,455 --> 01:31:00,154
(GRUNTING)

1676
01:31:10,867 --> 01:31:11,933
(SCREAMS)

1677
01:31:15,505 --> 01:31:17,105
Hang in there,
baby!

1678
01:31:17,107 --> 01:31:19,173
Wade!
I gotcha!

1679
01:31:22,412 --> 01:31:24,879
I got a plan.
You're not gonna like it.

1680
01:31:24,881 --> 01:31:26,013
(GRUNTING)

1681
01:31:35,125 --> 01:31:36,290
Shit! Shit! Shit!

1682
01:31:37,961 --> 01:31:40,061
(VANESSA SCREAMING)

1683
01:31:42,165 --> 01:31:44,832
Don't worry.
I'm totally on top of this.

1684
01:31:49,305 --> 01:31:51,072
(PANTING)

1685
01:31:59,916 --> 01:32:01,949
Ah! Damn it!

1686
01:32:02,786 --> 01:32:05,787
Maximum effort!

1687
01:32:06,923 --> 01:32:08,222
(VANESSA SCREAMS)

1688
01:32:25,008 --> 01:32:26,407
(RUMBLING)

1689
01:32:44,594 --> 01:32:46,027
(GRUNTS)

1690
01:32:48,031 --> 01:32:49,096
Thanks.

1691
01:32:54,037 --> 01:32:55,570
Just take it slow.

1692
01:33:02,278 --> 01:33:03,845
WADE: Yoo-hoo!

1693
01:33:06,082 --> 01:33:08,850
Oh, my God! That was so...

1694
01:33:08,852 --> 01:33:10,017
(GRUNTING)

1695
01:33:36,246 --> 01:33:38,379
(EXHALING HEAVILY)

1696
01:33:38,381 --> 01:33:39,647
(FRANCIS LAUGHS)

1697
01:33:39,649 --> 01:33:42,350
There are no words!

1698
01:33:42,352 --> 01:33:46,087
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.

1699
01:33:46,656 --> 01:33:48,022
What?

1700
01:33:48,591 --> 01:33:50,258
(CHUCKLES)

1701
01:33:50,260 --> 01:33:53,394
You stupid fucking idiot.

1702
01:33:53,396 --> 01:33:58,099
Did you really think
there was a cure... for that?

1703
01:33:59,936 --> 01:34:01,302
What?

1704
01:34:01,304 --> 01:34:02,403
You heard me.

1705
01:34:04,173 --> 01:34:05,339
No.

1706
01:34:05,341 --> 01:34:06,574
No!

1707
01:34:06,576 --> 01:34:08,042
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

1708
01:34:08,044 --> 01:34:09,610
(LAUGHING
AND COUGHING)

1709
01:34:13,917 --> 01:34:17,518
So, you mean to say...

1710
01:34:17,520 --> 01:34:22,390
after all this,
you can't fix me?

1711
01:34:22,392 --> 01:34:24,525
It sounds even stupider
when you say it.

1712
01:34:24,527 --> 01:34:26,460
Like the kind of stupid
who admits

1713
01:34:26,462 --> 01:34:29,630
he can't do the one thing
I'm keeping him alive for?

1714
01:34:33,503 --> 01:34:35,369
Any last words?

1715
01:34:37,206 --> 01:34:38,339
What's my name?

1716
01:34:39,375 --> 01:34:40,508
Who fucking cares?

1717
01:34:40,510 --> 01:34:41,575
COLOSSUS: Wade!

1718
01:34:43,212 --> 01:34:46,080
Four or five moments.

1719
01:34:46,082 --> 01:34:47,815
I'm sorry?

1720
01:34:47,816 --> 01:34:49,549
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.

1721
01:34:50,186 --> 01:34:51,252
To?

1722
01:34:52,155 --> 01:34:53,487
Be a hero.

1723
01:34:54,090 --> 01:34:55,523
(GROANS)

1724
01:34:55,525 --> 01:34:58,426
Everyone thinks
it's a full-time job.

1725
01:34:58,428 --> 01:35:00,728
Wake up a hero,
brush your teeth a hero,

1726
01:35:00,730 --> 01:35:02,163
go to work a hero.

1727
01:35:02,498 --> 01:35:04,398
Not true.

1728
01:35:04,400 --> 01:35:07,601
Over a lifetime, there are
only four or five moments

1729
01:35:07,603 --> 01:35:10,237
that really matter.

1730
01:35:10,239 --> 01:35:12,673
Moments when you're
offered a choice.

1731
01:35:12,675 --> 01:35:15,443
To make a sacrifice,
conquer a flaw,

1732
01:35:15,445 --> 01:35:17,078
save a friend...

1733
01:35:17,513 --> 01:35:20,681
spare an enemy.

1734
01:35:20,683 --> 01:35:22,249
In these moments...

1735
01:35:23,019 --> 01:35:26,420
everything else falls away.

1736
01:35:26,422 --> 01:35:29,423
The way the world sees us.

1737
01:35:29,425 --> 01:35:30,491
The way we...

1738
01:35:31,394 --> 01:35:33,027
(RETCHING)

1739
01:35:34,630 --> 01:35:35,763
Why?

1740
01:35:37,033 --> 01:35:39,100
You were droning on.

1741
01:35:39,102 --> 01:35:42,169
Sure, I may be stuck looking
like pepperoni flatbread...

1742
01:35:42,171 --> 01:35:45,206
but at least fuckface
won't heal from that.

1743
01:35:45,208 --> 01:35:48,275
If wearing superhero tights...

1744
01:35:48,277 --> 01:35:49,677
means sparing psychopaths...

1745
01:35:49,679 --> 01:35:52,046
then maybe I wasn't
meant to wear 'em.

1746
01:35:52,048 --> 01:35:54,382
Not everyone monitors
a hall like you.

1747
01:35:54,384 --> 01:35:55,483
Just promise...

1748
01:35:55,485 --> 01:35:57,218
Yeah, yeah,
I'll be on the lookout

1749
01:35:57,220 --> 01:35:59,453
for the next four moments.

1750
01:35:59,455 --> 01:36:01,188
(WHISPERS) Oh, shit.

1751
01:36:01,190 --> 01:36:04,792
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm just a boy,

1752
01:36:04,794 --> 01:36:07,194
about to stand
in front of a girl...

1753
01:36:07,196 --> 01:36:08,496
and tell her...

1754
01:36:08,498 --> 01:36:10,564
What the fuck
am I gonna tell her?

1755
01:36:10,566 --> 01:36:14,035
Well, hmm,
you better figure it out.

1756
01:36:15,371 --> 01:36:16,637
I can't even tell you...
(GRUNTS)

1757
01:36:16,639 --> 01:36:18,506
I deserved that.
That, too.

1758
01:36:18,508 --> 01:36:20,274
No, no, no,
maybe not the nethers.

1759
01:36:20,276 --> 01:36:22,243
Start talking!

1760
01:36:24,213 --> 01:36:26,080
I'm sorry.

1761
01:36:26,082 --> 01:36:28,315
I'm so sorry.

1762
01:36:28,317 --> 01:36:30,818
(STUTTERS) For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...

1763
01:36:32,355 --> 01:36:34,455
I'm sorry for not
cowboying up sooner.

1764
01:36:34,457 --> 01:36:36,290
It's been rough
couple of years.

1765
01:36:36,292 --> 01:36:37,358
Rough?

1766
01:36:45,134 --> 01:36:47,068
I live in a crackhouse.

1767
01:36:48,204 --> 01:36:49,537
With a family of 12.

1768
01:36:51,274 --> 01:36:52,740
Every night
we spoon for warmth.

1769
01:36:52,742 --> 01:36:55,810
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.

1770
01:36:55,812 --> 01:36:57,578
There's nothing
that we don't share.

1771
01:36:57,580 --> 01:37:01,782
Floor space, dental floss,
even condoms.

1772
01:37:09,792 --> 01:37:12,193
So, you live in a house.

1773
01:37:20,803 --> 01:37:23,838
I should have come
and found you sooner.

1774
01:37:25,341 --> 01:37:26,674
But, baby,
the guy under this mask,

1775
01:37:26,676 --> 01:37:29,376
he ain't the same one
that you remember.

1776
01:37:33,616 --> 01:37:34,849
You mean this mask?

1777
01:37:54,904 --> 01:37:56,637
And this one.

1778
01:37:58,141 --> 01:37:59,840
In case the other fell off.

1779
01:38:02,745 --> 01:38:05,212
All right.
Yeah, just... Ow.

1780
01:38:05,214 --> 01:38:06,814
Like a Band-Aid,
just give it a...

1781
01:38:06,816 --> 01:38:09,150
Owdie 5,000.

1782
01:38:09,152 --> 01:38:10,284
Wait, wait, wait...

1783
01:38:12,155 --> 01:38:13,420
Are you sure?

1784
01:38:15,258 --> 01:38:16,323
I'm sure.

1785
01:38:26,536 --> 01:38:27,601
Wow.

1786
01:38:28,838 --> 01:38:30,204
Yeah.

1787
01:38:36,879 --> 01:38:38,412
Hey.

1788
01:38:40,550 --> 01:38:42,783
After a brief
adjustment period...

1789
01:38:42,785 --> 01:38:44,785
and a bunch of drinks...

1790
01:38:46,255 --> 01:38:48,289
it's a face...

1791
01:38:52,595 --> 01:38:54,361
I'd be happy to sit on.

1792
01:39:01,671 --> 01:39:05,306
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.

1793
01:39:05,308 --> 01:39:06,740
No.

1794
01:39:06,742 --> 01:39:08,742
Super-penis.

1795
01:39:08,744 --> 01:39:10,844
COLOSSUS:
Come on, Wade. Language.

1796
01:39:10,846 --> 01:39:12,413
Young one is present.

1797
01:39:13,416 --> 01:39:15,349
What are you still doing?

1798
01:39:15,351 --> 01:39:17,952
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!

1799
01:39:17,954 --> 01:39:20,821
You, go be a really
big brother to someone.

1800
01:39:20,823 --> 01:39:22,656
Tell Beast to stop
shitting on my lawn.

1801
01:39:22,658 --> 01:39:24,625
And you,
chicken noodle...

1802
01:39:24,627 --> 01:39:26,527
Nothing compares to you.

1803
01:39:26,529 --> 01:39:28,629
Sinead O'Connor, 1990.
Sorry.

1804
01:39:28,631 --> 01:39:31,465
That's all right.
You're cool.

1805
01:39:31,467 --> 01:39:32,666
(GASPS)

1806
01:39:33,336 --> 01:39:34,935
What in the ass?

1807
01:39:34,937 --> 01:39:38,505
That was not mean.
I'm proud of you!

1808
01:39:38,507 --> 01:39:41,675
We will make an X-Man
of you yet, Wade.

1809
01:39:41,677 --> 01:39:42,977
For a second there,

1810
01:39:42,979 --> 01:39:44,812
it felt like we were
three mini-lion robots...

1811
01:39:44,814 --> 01:39:47,248
coming together to form
one super robot.

1812
01:39:47,883 --> 01:39:49,283
There's a stupid.

1813
01:39:49,285 --> 01:39:50,384
Yeah.

1814
01:39:53,689 --> 01:39:58,259
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.

1815
01:40:01,797 --> 01:40:02,963
Come here.

1816
01:40:05,901 --> 01:40:07,701
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

1817
01:40:10,940 --> 01:40:12,806
(LAUGHING)

1818
01:40:12,808 --> 01:40:15,843
Wham! As promised.

1819
01:40:21,017 --> 01:40:22,816
(MAN VOCALIZING)

1820
01:40:28,824 --> 01:40:30,424
WADE: <i>See?</i>

1821
01:40:30,426 --> 01:40:33,694
<i>You don't need to be
a superhero to get the girl.</i>

1822
01:40:33,696 --> 01:40:36,997
<i>The right girl will bring out
the hero in you.</i>

1823
01:40:36,999 --> 01:40:40,634
<i>Now, let's finish this
epic wide shot. Pull out.</i>

1824
01:40:40,636 --> 01:40:42,336
<i>There we go, that looks nice.</i>

1825
01:40:42,338 --> 01:40:43,470
<i>That's gonna be
about the only thing</i>

1826
01:40:43,472 --> 01:40:44,772
<i>that's pulling out tonight.</i>

1827
01:40:44,774 --> 01:40:48,008
<i>Who doesn't love
a happy ending, huh?</i>

1828
01:40:48,010 --> 01:40:49,677
<i>'Til next time, this is</i>

1829
01:40:49,679 --> 01:40:51,912
<i>your friendly neighborhood
pool guy singin'...</i>

1830
01:40:51,914 --> 01:40:54,415
<i>♪ I'm never gonna dance again</i>

1831
01:40:54,417 --> 01:40:57,885
<i>♪ The way I danced with you ♪</i>

1832
01:46:53,208 --> 01:46:56,276
Captioned by Deluxe

1833
01:47:07,790 --> 01:47:09,356
You're still here?

1834
01:47:11,960 --> 01:47:15,062
It's over. Go home.

1835
01:47:16,765 --> 01:47:19,232
Oh, you're expecting
a teaser for <i>Deadpool 2.</i>

1836
01:47:19,234 --> 01:47:22,069
Well, we don't have
that kind of money.

1837
01:47:22,071 --> 01:47:25,105
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?

1838
01:47:25,107 --> 01:47:27,874
With an eye patch and a saucy
little leather number?

1839
01:47:27,876 --> 01:47:29,443
Go. Go.

1840
01:47:34,783 --> 01:47:36,550
Oh.

1841
01:47:36,551 --> 01:47:38,318
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.

1842
01:47:38,320 --> 01:47:41,488
For the sequel,
we're gonna have Cable.

1843
01:47:41,490 --> 01:47:44,057
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.

1844
01:47:44,059 --> 01:47:45,225
We have no idea
who we're gonna cast yet,

1845
01:47:45,227 --> 01:47:46,359
but it could be anybody.

1846
01:47:46,361 --> 01:47:47,994
Just need a big guy
with a flat top.

1847
01:47:47,996 --> 01:47:49,796
Could be Mel Gibson,
Dolph Lundgren...

1848
01:47:49,798 --> 01:47:52,232
Keira Knightley.
She's got range. Who knows.

1849
01:47:52,234 --> 01:47:53,800
Anyway, big secret. Shh...

1850
01:47:53,802 --> 01:47:55,836
Oh, and don't leave your
garbage all lying around.

1851
01:47:55,838 --> 01:47:58,238
It's a total dick move.

1852
01:47:59,141 --> 01:48:00,273
Go.

1853
01:48:02,277 --> 01:48:04,077
(VOCALIZES)